Gods of Egypt

For F*** Magazine

GODS OF EGYPT

Director : Alex Proyas
Cast : Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Brenton Thwaites, Gerard Butler, Elodie Yung, Chadwick Boseman, Courtney Eaton, Bryan Brown, Rufus Sewell, Geoffrey Rush
Genre : Action/Fantasy
Run Time : 126 mins
Opens : 25 February 2016
Rating : PG13 (Some Violence)

If there’s one constant throughout most ancient deistic mythologies, it’s that the gods have always got to drag poor mortals into their epic struggles. The god Osiris (Brown) is about to pass the crown to his son Horus (Coster-Waldau), the god of the sky. Osiris’ jealous brother Set (Butler), the god of the desert, crashes the coronation and snatches the crown for himself, gouging out Horus’ eyes and stealing away Horus’ companion Hathor (Yung), the goddess of love. Bek (Thwaites), a streetwise mortal, is hopelessly in love with Zaya (Eaton), who is forced to be a servant to chief architect Urshu (Sewell). Zaya gives Bek the plans to Set’s secret vault, and Bek sets about breaking in to steal Horus’ eye and return it to the god. Weakened and in exile, Horus reluctantly teams up with Bek, travelling to the domain of his grandfather Ra (Rush) the sun god to request that Horus’ powers be restored. Horus and Bek must call upon the expertise of Thoth (Boseman), the god of wisdom, to answer the riddle of the Sphinx and defeat the power-mad Set.

            If you saw the trailers for Gods of Egypt and thought “gee, this looks ridiculous”, you aren’t alone and you aren’t wrong. This fantasy flick overflows with gratuitous and consistently-unconvincing computer-generated imagery. The best thing that can be said about it is, well, it’s colourful. The plot point of gods falling from grace is faintly echoed by the way director Alex Proyas’ own career has tumbled. The once-promising helmer of The Crow and Dark City eventually went from that to I, Robot, to Knowing, to now this. Clash of the Titans but with ancient Egyptian deities is a fun premise on paper, but Gods of Egypt entirely lacks the resources to pull this off, even with a $140 million budget. Screenwriting duo Matt Sazama and Buck Sharpless, whose less-than-inspiring credits comprise Dracula Untold and The Last Witch Hunter, spin a story that comes off as derivative. Despite referencing specific elements of ancient Egyptian mythology, the characters lack any defining identity of their own.

            Gods of Egypt has come under fire for its whitewashed casting – this is a film drawing on African mythology that features a predominantly white cast. Both director Proyas and studio Lionsgate have issued apologies for not considering a diverse cast, while also trucking out the expected “but it’s a fantasy film” defence. Yes, this is a silly, ultimately inconsequential movie, but what it sadly demonstrates is that even in 2016, white actors who are B-listers at best are preferred over actors of other ethnicities. Boseman has said he is thankful that as someone of African descent, he gets to portray the god of wisdom Thoth, but also conceded in the same interview that “people don't make $140 million movies starring black and brown people.” Thoth is assisted by an army of duplicates of himself, so there’s a sad joke about how that evens the scales somewhere in there.

            Coster-Waldau, best-known as Jamie Lannister on Game of Thrones, is a passable brooding hero. Thwaites, playing a character who’s essentially Disney’s version of Aladdin, is almost insufferably bland and frequently annoying. The stabs at buddy movie banter between Horus and Bek generally fall flat. Model/actress Eaton, who played Cheedo the Fragile in Mad Max: Fury Road, matches Thwaites in her woodenness. The relationship between Bek and Zaya is meant to be one worth charging the gates of the underworld for, but it really couldn’t be any less compelling. As the other main female character in the story, Yung fares only slightly better, Hathor serving primarily as further motivation for Horus to seek vengeance against Set.

Butler chomping the scenery as a snarling villain consumed with absolute domination is, at least, slightly more interesting than Butler playing a generic action hero, or trying his hand at romantic comedy. Rush’s appearance as Ra feels like a cut-rate version of Anthony Hopkins as Odin in the Thor movies, like a doctor-ordered dosage of prestige. It is somewhat amusing to see the Oscar-winner battle what can only be described as, forgive our crassness, a gargantuan cosmic toothed anus.

            Gods of Egypt is quite the misguided enterprise, at once extravagant and hollow. Any inventiveness its visuals might possess is undercut by the phoniness of it all. For example, while it certainly sounds cool to have all the gods stand nine feet tall, this “reverse-Hobbit” effect makes it seem like they’re never actually occupying the same space as the mortals they’re interacting with. You’re tired of reading this comparison, we’re tired of writing it and it’s a disservice to video games, but this movie looks like a video game. While Gods of Egypt feels like it’s going to be so bad it’s good and there is a fair amount of unintentional hilarity to take in, everything eventually blurs together and it’s more effort to endure than it’s worth.

Summary: Between the CGI mucilage, flat acting, uninspired story and a once-promising director just giving up, Gods of Egypt is an ungodly mess.

RATING: 1.5 out of 5 Stars

Jedd Jong 

The Best Offer (La Migliore Offerta)

For F*** Magazine

THE BEST OFFER (LA MIGLIORE OFFERTA)

Director: Giuseppe Tornatore
Cast: Geoffrey Rush, Jim Sturgess, Sylvia Hoeks, Donald Sutherland
Genre: Romance, Mystery
Run Time: 131 mins
Opens: 3 April 2014
Rating: M18 (Sexual Scene and Nudity)

The closest most of us hoi polloi will get to the thrill of an auction is outbidding some dude for second-hand electronics on eBay, so there’s an undeniable mystique and attraction to the glamourous upper-crust world of fine art and antique auctions. The Best Offer is a romantic mystery film set in that world, starring Geoffrey Rush as respected auction house owner Virgil Oldman. He’s hired by enigmatic young heiress Claire Ibbetson (Hoeks) to conduct an appraisal of the collection bequeathed to her by her late parents, and he becomes more and more preoccupied with the woman – who refuses to see him face to face - as the days go by. Adding to the mystery are odd gears and cogs scattered around Claire’s villa, which Virgil brings to gifted mechanic Robert (Sturgess) to piece together. The few who are close to Virgil, including his accomplice in acquiring a secret stash of master works, Billy Whistler (Sutherland), notice the usually immaculate man begin to fall apart, his life thrown into disarray by his obsession with Claire.

The Best Offer is a film of a most vexing sort, constantly on the brink of developing into something truly delicious yet refusing to take on a satisfying form at every turn. It is a particularly handsome movie to admire, cinematographer Fabio Zamarion casting a refined eye on various fancy European locales while the exact location in which most of the story takes place is left deliberately ambiguous. Living legend Ennio Morricone provides an expectedly seductive musical score as well. Writer-director Giuseppe Tornatore, of Cinema Paradiso fame, plants the seeds of a compelling mystery, but while he wants to root The Best Offer in highbrow territory, it often veers into slight luridness. It is almost as if the film is a step away from full-blown giallo hijinks, though this certainly wasn’t Torantore’s intention.

Virgil Oldman fits the archetype of a snooty, stuffy wealthy gent who is particular about his tastes, knowledgeable about his chosen field and who eats off plates and drinks out of champagne flutes monogrammed with his initials. Of course, he’s very lonely and inexperienced in the ways of romance. This reviewer found it difficult to get invested in Virgil’s relationship with Claire, whom Hoeks portrays as a fragile, troubled damsel, the self-imprisoned princess waiting for a knight to free her. There’s an element of leery voyeurism in Virgil trying to catch a glimpse of Claire, which makes his pursuit of this much younger woman all the more unsettling (note the unsubtle surname “Oldman”). Still, Rush is a commanding presence who gamely fleshes out the foibles written for his character.

Sturgess’ role is probably analogous to that of the geeky tech expert/comic relief in a conventional blockbuster, Robert helping to piece together the mechanical doodads Virgil discovers in Claire’s home. In addition, he coaches Virgil in the art of getting the girl, the young man becoming a mentor to the older one, and Sturgess is sufficiently charming. Donald Sutherland seems to have shot his part in his off-time from the Hunger Games films, still sporting President Snow’s mane and beard. As Billy Whistler, he’s meant to serve as a less cultured counterpoint to Virgil and to highlight Virgil’s dishonesty, seeing as Billy is there to help him “save” the best pieces for himself. Sutherland is well-cast in the part, even if it’s a relatively minor one.

The film’s dialogue is often laboured and verbose, lines like “everyone has moments where they prefer solitude to the multitudes” unnatural yet oddly poetic and not entirely out of place in the film’s milieu. Tornatore’s insistence on keeping the mystery inscrutable and denying the audience closure into which they can sink their teeth may make the film “arty”, but ultimately renders it less enjoyable than it could have been. We’re also going to gingerly roll out the “p word” that’s tossed around a lot when discussing films of this type – “pretentious”. To be clear, The Best Offer isn’t an annoyingly obnoxious affair and it’s a beautifully-made picture, but by wrapping its innate pulpy thriller aspects in layers of hoity-toity self-importance, it misses out on making the winning bid.

Summary: While elegant and initially beguiling, The Best Offer is also cold, stilted and not fully-formed. This reviewer is not quite sold.

RATING: 2.5 out of 5 Stars

Jedd Jong

Green Lantern

GREEN LANTERN

2011

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively, Peter Sarsgaard

Directed by: Martin Campbell

            Let it not be said that the Green Lantern is a second-stringer. Sure, he may not be as well known a comic book character as his DC compatriots Superman, Batman or Wonder Woman, but he has a strong fan following and as much cinematic potential as his illustrious peers. As a DC Comics fan, this reviewer has been waiting a while for a Green Lantern movie, and is glad to report that this mostly delivers the goods.

            The movie is a skilful adaptation of the comic book source material in that it distils the Green Lantern lore for moviegoers such that the uninitiated won’t feel lost. The characters are fleshed out decently and this is a comic book come to life in a good way. Sure, it verges on being a little cartoonish at times, but is tonally assured and brings to mind another green-themed superhero movie, 2008’s The Incredible Hulk. Both films tackled the source material with a comic book sensibility that brings out the more fantastical elements in a palatable manner.

            As an action flick, Green Lantern pulls no punches and is a rollicking adventure from start to finish. Director Martin Campbell, having helmed the James Bond films GoldenEye and Casino Royale, proves he has a good eye for bigger, cosmic action sequences in addition to superspy shenanigans. The film got an additional $9 million late into the game to boost the visual effects, and thank goodness for the extra moolah because it sure helps. While it takes some getting used to, there’s a certain appeal to the organic look of the Green Lantern uniform and the planet Oa.

            Ryan Reynolds makes for a charismatic leading man and possesses a charming mischief, never taking himself too seriously as Hal Jordan. He’s also in tip-top physical condition and handles the action beats well. Unfortunately, his leading lady Blake Lively is anything but, always a tad too stiff as Jordan’s fellow pilot and boss Carol Ferris. Peter Sarsgaard laps up every last bit of his villain role with glee, and the voice cast of Geoffrey Rush as Tomar-Re and Michael Clarke-Duncan as drill sergeant Kilowog is well chosen.

            The main thing this movie has going for it is that it’s fun, and after all we go to the movies to have fun. DC faces stiff competition from Marvel Studios at the movies this summer, but at least it put up a valiant fight in the form of this lantern’s light.

SUMMARY: Raise the green lantern! It’s not a surefire classic, but this is a good adaptation of the DC Comics character and is an enjoyable ride even if you aren’t already a fan.

RATING: 3/5 STARS

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES

2011

Starring: Johnny Depp, Penelope Cruz, Ian McShane

Directed by: Rob Marshall

            In 1957, the Pirates of the Caribbean ride opened at Disneyland in Anaheim, California. In 2003, Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl, based on the ride and expected to be a flop, brought the big swashbuckling pirate movie back in a big way. And now, Captain Jack is back for a fourth voyage in this movie, based on the novel “On Stranger Tides” by Tim Powers.

            In search of the fabled Fountain of Youth, Captain Jack has to battle the treacherous pirate Blackbeard and encounters his daughter, the beautiful Angelica, with whom he had a fling many years ago. Racing them to the Fountain are Jack’s old rival Barbossa, now in the employ of the King, and the Spaniards.

            For a franchise that was almost swallowed up by its ambitious scope and convoluted plot, On Stranger Tides is a triumphant return to form. This is a sequel in the best sense of the word: carrying on yet starting anew. The story is well-told and the pacing is swift. Everything we loved about the first film is back stronger than ever: the wonderful period atmosphere, the swordfights, chases and naval battles, and, of course, Captain Jack.

            Johnny Depp returns to his defining role like wearing a glove, every amusing mannerism, every witticism, delivered with strong craftsmanship and lithe energy. He’s also armed with some great lines by screenwriters Terry Rossio and Ted Elliot. Now that the “Will and Elizabeth” story arc from the first three movies has wrapped, attention has returned square to Sparrow, and Depp never once disappoints.

While Depp certainly gets the lion’s share of the limelight, he never hogs it. The new players fit in just right among familiar characters. Cruz and Depp share crackling chemistry, the beautiful and cunning Angelica the only one to ever come close to beating Sparrow at his own game. Ian McShane makes for a very scary Blackbeard, a worthy adversary to Sparrow. Sam Claflin as missionary Philip Swift and Àstrid Bergès-Frisbey as the mermaid he falls in love with work hard to keep up with the rest of the cast and fare well too.

The old-fashioned spirit of adventure missing from many modern films is alive and well in the fourth Pirates outing. This is a supremely enjoyable ride (almost as much as the source material), filled from start to finish with the same energy that flowed through the veins of the first film.

SUMMARY: Fun in the right places, thrilling in the right places, scary in the right places and humorous in the right places, this is one ship everyone should hop aboard. Arrrrrr!

RATING: 4/5 STARS