Now You See Me 2

For F*** Magazine

NOW YOU SEE ME 2

Director : Jon M. Chu
Cast : Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Dave Franco, Lizzy Caplan, Mark Ruffalo, Jay Chou, Daniel Radcliffe, Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, Sanaa Lathan
Genre : Action/Adventure
Run Time : 2 hrs 10 mins
Opens : 16 June 2016
Rating : PG (Some Violence)

The Four Horsemen ride again with new tricks up their respective sleeves in the sequel to Now You See Me. It’s been a year since the events of the first film, and Daniel Atlas (Eisenberg), Merritt McKinney (Harrelson) and Jack Wilder (Franco) have been lying low, awaiting instructions from The Eye, the secret society into which they were inducted. FBI Agent Dylan Rhodes (Ruffalo) attempts to keep up the charade of pursuing the Horsemen while secretly leading them. Replacing Henley Reeves, who grew tired of waiting, is the enthusiastic Lula (Caplan). The Horsemen’s new mission is to expose the unethical practices of smartphone manufacturer Octa, but a spanner is thrown in the works by Walter Mabry (Radcliffe), Octa’s reclusive co-founder. The Horsemen find themselves in Macau, and must seek the help of magic shop proprietor Li (Chou) as Mabry forces them to pull off a nigh-impossible heist. In the meantime, both former benefactor Arthur Tressler (Caine) and magic debunker Thaddeus Bradley (Freeman) seek their vengeance on the Horsemen.

            Jon M. Chu replaces Louis Leterrier in the director’s chair for the second instalment of what studio Lionsgate is hoping shapes up to be their next big franchise. If the first film offered up flashy spectacle and a plot comprised of puzzle pieces that did not quite fit together in hindsight, Now You See Me 2 gives audiences more of the same. The screenplay by Ed Solomon ties itself into knots that do not untangle despite giving the appearance of doing so. This might seem like a film that imagines itself to be far smarter than it really is, but the more likely scenario is that the filmmakers are well aware that these movies will not hold up to scrutiny and that audiences will be content with revelling in the moment. Chu brings slickness and swagger to the proceedings that ever so slightly papers over the gaping plot holes. The director’s dance movie expertise is evident in several sequences that are elaborately choreographed, but ultimately more dizzying than dazzling.

            The first film’s greatest asset was its cast, comprising actors whose charisma and charm could almost rival that of Danny Ocean and his 11, if only the Four Horsemen weren’t outnumbered. Isla Fisher was unable to reprise the role of Henley Reeves due to her pregnancy, so Henley was written out and Lizzy Caplan steps in as new character Lula. The danger with these characters is that being showmen, they’re all egotistical and obnoxious to different degrees. Harrelson seems to be having twice as much fun as before, but comes across as irritating rather than actually funny. Atlas’ haughty, twitchy nature is something Eisenberg has no problems conveying, but Atlas has had to eat some humble pie since the events of the last film, and Eisenberg convincingly portrays that character development too. Caplan is a likeable performer, but her “over-eager new girl” shtick does also wear on the nerves after a while.

Rhodes’ charade is up and the audience knows that he is not only on the Horsemen’s side, but actively leading them. Ruffalo gives the role far more effort than it deserves, and his presence does elevate the material. Quite amusingly, Ruffalo becomes the latest Hollywood actor who has to pretend to be adept at speaking Mandarin Chinese. As the primary antagonist, Radcliffe isn’t exactly easy to buy as someone who would be able to run rings around the Horsemen. The actor has explored his darker side in other film and stage projects, but there’s supposed to be menace behind Walter’s smile, menace that Radcliffe is unable to muster.

It’s abundantly clear that Chou’s inclusion and the Macau setting merely serves to pander to Chinese audiences. Veteran actress Tsai Chin (not to be confused with the Taiwanese singer of the same name), who plays Li’s grandmother Bu Bu, is a far livelier screen presence than Chou. The film calls upon Caine and Freeman to provide gravitas while not doing very much at all, something the iconic actors do without breaking a sweat.

            Now You See Me 2 alternates between being supremely entertaining and frustrating. There’s glitz, glamour and eye candy effects work galore, but twist after twist after twist does not a truly engrossing thriller make. That’s the paradox: it does not hold up to close examination, yet invites audiences to do so. Ultimately, your enjoyment of Now You See Me 2 is contingent on just how willing you are to be taken on a ride. You’ll get bamboozled, but you just might have fun in the process.

Summary: Now You See Me 2 doesn’t make a lot of sense, but the first movie convinced general audiences that making sense isn’t the goal here. The goal is to entertain while misdirecting, and this has entertainment and misdirection in spades.

RATING: 3 out of 5 Stars

Jedd Jong

London Has Fallen

For F*** Magazine

LONDON HAS FALLEN

Director : Babak Najafi
Cast : Gerard Butler, Aaron Eckhart, Charlotte Riley, Morgan Freeman, Robert Forster, Melissa Leo, Alon Moni Aboutboul, Angela Bassett, Radha Mitchell
Genre : Action/Thriller
Run Time : 99 mins
Opens : 3 March 2016
Rating : NC-16 (Violence And Some Coarse Language)

The city of London: between being decimated by a tungsten rod fired from orbit in G.I. Joe: Retaliation and having Dubai’s Burj Khalifa plonked down on it by aliens in the upcoming Independence Day: Resurgence, it seems Hollywood’s been saying “screw Britannia!” Another round of U.K. landmark destruction is preceded by the untimely death of the British Prime Minister. World leaders, including U.S. President Benjamin Asher (Eckhart), arrive for the state funeral. In the lead-up to the funeral, a brutal, intricately-planned terrorist attack cripples London, and Secret Service agent Mike Banning (Butler) is the only thing keeping Asher alive. Back in Washington D.C., Vice President Alan Trumbull (Freeman) receives a video message from terrorist mastermind Aamir Barkawi (Aboutboul), claiming responsibility for the attacks. Asher and Banning have to rendezvous with MI6 agent Jacquelin Marshal (Riley) as the chaos escalates and terrorists overrun London.

            London Has Fallen is the sequel to Olympus Has Fallen, a film that was generally regarded as taking itself way too seriously, hilariously jingoistic, containing slipshod visual effects work but boasting a decent amount of brutal action. London Has Fallen contains all those traits and kicks them up to 11. There’s an increased sense of scale and the location shooting in London itself means the production values here are an improvement on those of its predecessor. However, in scenes including the destruction of Chelsea Bridge and a sequence in which the presidential helicopters Marines One, Two and Three are evading terrorists’ rockets, the visual effects work is nigh laughable.  

The over-the-top bombast is supposed to be thrilling, but there will be many audiences who will have a difficult time deriving entertainment from seeing terrorists blow up a city, particularly given the tragic frequency with which such incidents occur in real life. Paris, Beirut, Tunis, Istanbul, San Bernadino and Jakarta amongst others were all recently attacked and furthermore, the trailer for London Has Fallen was released during the week of the tenth anniversary of the 2005 7/7 London bombings. We don’t mean to get all self-righteous and this reviewer is a big action movie junkie, but the way London Has Fallen presents itself as topical while revelling in dated action movie tropes, with a one-man army stabbing bad guys and dispensing one-liners, is a little uncomfortable.

It’s pretty funny that this flag-waving, chest-thumping celebration of American jingoism is directed by a Swedish director of Iranian descent and stars an actor who is completely incapable of disguising his unmistakably Scottish brogue. As far as London Has Fallen is concerned, all world leaders are entirely expendable – ersatz versions of Angela Merkel, Silvio Berlusconi and François Hollande bite the dust in quick succession – all except for the American president, of course. The primary villain, a Middle-Eastern arms dealer, seems like a C-grade reject from the TV series Homeland. And yes, drone strikes are a plot point, because total predictability is the name of the game here. At the very least, the villainous scheme is an order of magnitude more plausible than that of the North Korean baddies in Olympus Has Fallen, though that’s still not saying much.

Butler and Eckhart lead a good number of actors who reprise their roles from Olympus Has Fallen. Sure, Butler is completely unbelievable as an American, but he and Eckhart develop a watchable buddy chemistry and Butler’s rough-around-the-edges quality makes him easier to buy as an old-school action hero than other actors out there. Many attempts at badass quips simply come off as silly, but the guy looks like he knows what he’s doing when he’s firing a gun. Bassett isn’t in much of the film and Freeman, Forster and Leo simply sit around the Situation Room back at the White House; their scenes looking like they were all filmed in one day. Jackie Earle Haley as the White House Deputy Chief of Staff is puzzling casting, since the actor isn’t allowed to display any of the quirky energy he’s known for. Riley’s MI6 agent could’ve been a scene stealing character, but God forbid anyone other than Butler kick a significant amount of ass.

Is London Has Fallen enjoyable at all? Yes. It’s fun to guffaw at the clunky lines of dialogue, to appreciate some of the action sequences for being well-executed and others for looking hilariously phony and to pretend that it’s still the 80s-90s, cheering on the clench-jawed hero who charges in guns a-blazing. The clichés are so on-the-nose – for example, Banning’s wife Leah (Mitchell) is pregnant with their first child, pining for the safe return of her husband – it’s impossible to assume the filmmakers didn’t go into this with at least the slightest modicum of self-awareness. Most of all, it’s enjoyable in its thunderous stupidity and those 99 minutes go by fairly quickly.

Summary: This action thriller is often breathtakingly dumb and the “terrorist attacks in the name of entertainment” angle is problematic in this day and age, but the sheer lack of subtlety is enjoyable in its own right. U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!

RATING: 2.5 out of 5 Stars

Jedd Jong 

Dolphin Tale 2

For F*** Magazine

DOLPHIN TALE 2

Director : Charles Martin Smith

Cast : Harry Connick Jr., Ashley Judd, Nathan Gamble, Cozi Zuehlsdorff, Kris Kristofferson, Morgan Freeman

Genre: Family/Comedy/Drama

Opens : 2 October 2014

Rating : PG 

Run time: 107 mins

The true story of Winter, the rescued dolphin with the prosthetic tail, was dramatized in 2011’s Dolphin Tale, this sequel following up on Winter and some of her new companions at Florida’s Clearwater Marine Aquarium. Dr. Clay Haskett (Connick Jr.), his daughter Hazel (Zuehlsdorff) and teams of volunteers cope with the crowds of visitors who flock to the aquarium to see the now-famous Winter. Sawyer (Gamble), with whom Winter shares the closest bond, notices that Winter has become erratic and aggressive. Panama, the dolphin who lives alongside Winter, dies of old age. U.S. Department of Agriculture regulation states that a dolphin in captivity must be accompanied by another of the same sex and cannot live in isolation. The companionship of rescued dolphins Mandy and Hope might be just what Winter needs. While Dr. Cameron McCarthy (Freeman) works on a new prosthetic tail for Winter, Sawyer and his mother Lorraine (Judd) must decide if he will accept a prestigious scholarship, which means spending three whole months away from Winter.

            A good live-action family film seems to be an increasingly rarer beast at movie theatres these days. It’s difficult to strike a balance in order to create a film that appeals to kids but also won’t elicit protests from adults. 2011’s Dolphin Tale was mostly successful in this endeavour, an involving “a Boy and his X” tale that wasn’t overly schmaltzy. It doesn’t seem like the natural candidate for a sequel, but it turns out that Winter’s story didn’t end there. Thankfully, all the principal cast members and director Charles Martin Smith have returned, ensuring that Dolphin Tale 2 shares many of the attributes that made the first film palatable. Of course, it’s important to bear in mind that just as it was for the first go-round, the human characters share few similarities with their real-life counterparts and “Sawyer Nelson” was created from whole cloth for the purpose of a “Boy and his X” narrative.

            This isn’t one of those children’s movies where everyone gets along and everything is hunky-dory. There is a good deal of drama and conflict in the plot, partially owing to the main kid characters coming into adolescence. Hazel is at loggerheads with her dad and Sawyer is conflicted as to whether or not he should take an extended period of time away from Winter to go on a university research trip. Dr. Haskett has to fend off the threat of Winter being taken away from Clearwater Marine Aquarium by the USDA and has to explain to the board of directors why Winter can’t make public appearances. While it’s good that character development is made central to the story and that the film doesn’t resort to a cartoony villain, the film is undeniably at its best when we spend time with the dolphins and not with the human characters alone. At times, it can feel like Winter, Mandy and Hope are not receiving sufficient screen time even when the focus is always ostensibly on the dolphins.

            The returning cast helps maintain a sense of continuity and allow viewers to get back into Winter’s story with ease. “You kids take us by surprise, you grow up so stinking fast!” Judd’s character says at one point. She’s right – both Nathan Gamble and Cozi Zuehlsdorff have grown into fine young adults, capably handling the dramatic moments and the interaction with the animals just as they did as younger children. There must’ve been the temptation to shoehorn some kind of romance in but thankfully, Smith resists doing so. Both Kris Kristofferson and Morgan Freeman’s roles are smaller than in the last film, but their kind, authoritative presence is still welcome. “Soul Surfer” and shark attack survivor Bethany Hamilton cameos as herself. Winter and Hope the dolphins, who play themselves, deserve credit as well.

The KNB Effects Group, headed by Howard Berger and Greg Nicotero, returns to furnish the animatronic animal effects and the results are largely seamless. That’s right, the guys responsible for the dolphin, pelican and turtle puppets in these two movies also help create the zombies for The Walking Dead. The underwater photography is also as beautiful as in the first one. In spite of some stilted dialogue and overly-engineered plot mechanics, Dolphin Tale 2 emerges as an above-average piece of family entertainment and to its credit, does not feel like a cash-grab sequel, as it well could have. Older audience members might roll their eyes at the continuing antics of Rufus the Pelican, but the goings-on at Clearwater Marine Aquarium are depicted in a fairly engaging manner.

Summary: Just like its predecessor, Dolphin Tale 2 is a decent family film with an educational quotient but just as the Clearwater Marine Aquarium has expanded and gotten busier, this film loses some of the intimacy and warmth of the first.

RATING: 3.5 out of 5 Stars

Jedd Jong

Lucy

For F*** Magazine

LUCY

Director : Luc Besson
Cast : Scarlett Johansson, Morgan Freeman, Analeigh Tipton, Choi Min-sik, Amr Waked
Genre : Action/Thriller
Opens : 21 August 2014
Rating : NC-16 (Some Drug References and Violence)
Running time: 90 mins

In the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Scarlett Johansson kicks a lot of ass as Black Widow but doesn’t have any actual superpowers to speak of. As the eponymous Lucy, she has all the superpowers. Just your average girl abroad, Lucy gets mixed up with the wrong crowd in Taipei and is made an unwilling drug mule for Korean crime lord Mr. Jang (Choi). Inserted into her abdomen is a packet of blue crystals known as CPH4. When the drugs enter her system following an encounter with some thugs, Lucy begins to tap into the unmined potential of her brain. She contacts Professor Samuel Norman (Freeman), the leading expert in this area. According to Prof Norman, humans use only 10% of their cerebral capacity. As the drug’s effects strengthen, Lucy inches towards optimizing 100% of her mind, giving her the power over her own body, the bodies of others and matter itself. As she heads towards omnipotence, omniscience and omnipresence, what’s next?

            From The Messenger: the Story of Joan of Arc to La Femme Nikita to The Fifth Element and to a different extent The Lady, writer-director Luc Besson’s forte is making extraordinarily skilled, powerful women look awesome. He’s at it again in Lucy, with Scarlett Johansson stepping in the shoes once filled by a young Natalie Portman and Milla Jovovich.  We’ll give Lucy this: it’s ambitious and it’s different. Besson could’ve been content with churning out a run-of-the-mill actioner and apparently, he isn’t. This strange beast of a sci-fi action fantasy flick has been only semi-facetiously compared to Terence Malick’s The Tree of Life. Mixed in with the requisite gunplay and car chases through Paris are scenes of an Australopithecus drinking from a prehistoric lake. This touch also imbues the name “Lucy” with extra significance.

            Unfortunately, it is very often evident that Besson has bitten off more than he can chew. “Humans are concerned more with having than being,” Professor Norman says during an expository lecture. This sort of faux-portentous philosophising is served with a side of heavy-handed symbolism: Lucy being recruited for the delivery job in the beginning of the film is intercut with footage of a mouse approaching a mousetrap and of a cheetah hunting gazelles. Cue the eye-rolling. Sometimes, it’s hard to discern if Besson truly thinks this is a deep, contemplative masterpiece or if he is aware that Lucy is simply a gleefully silly romp. The answer to “life, the universe and everything” makes even less sense than “42”, the answer famously put forth in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. And let’s not forget that the “10% of the brain” myth is discredited, misleading pseudo-science.

            Johansson zones in as the superhuman Lucy and plays the transition from scared, naïve girl in over her head to single most powerful being in the world with entertaining élan. Lucy engages in more than a few morally dubious acts, but Johansson makes us cheer the character along regardless. Morgan Freeman once again does that thing he’s been doing lately: showing up in a movie to lend authority without doing any real acting. But hey, when you’ve got Morgan Freeman spouting all that techno-babble, it probably subconsciously lends it some credence. Choi Min-sik, Oldboy himself, is a suitably commanding presence as a downright scary career criminal who, after slaughtering a room full of innocent hotel guests, washes his hands with a bottle of Evian. Amr Waked is good as Captain Del Rio, the hapless cop dragged through Paris by Lucy as a “reminder” of her humanity. Fans of British TV will also get a kick out of Julian Rhind-Tutt hamming it up as he forces the drug mules’ mission upon them.

            While a lot of it can be seen as wrongheaded and embarrassing, Lucy is very entertaining once the CPH4 is in her system and the plot gets into gear. There’s also lots of trippy imagery (strands of light over Paris! Shapeshifting arms! Nebulae in deep space!), created by Industrial Light & Magic, Rodeo FX and other visual effects houses. A scene set in an airplane is quite intense. Luc Besson’s regular cinematographer Theirry Arbogast and composer Eric Serra make the film a rather sumptuous sensory feast, in a way different from the biggest, most explosive blockbusters out there.

Summary: It’s high-falutin’ and quite silly, but dazzling visuals, fun action and a commanding lead performance by Scarlett Johansson make Lucy a halfway-decent diversion.

RATING: 3 out of 5 Stars

Jedd Jong 

Transcendence

For F*** Magazine

TRANSCENDENCE

Director: Wally Pfister
Cast:  Johnny Depp, Paul Bettany, Rebecca Hall, Kate Mara, Cillian Murphy, Morgan Freeman, Clifton Collins Jr., Josh Stewart, Cole Hauser, Cory Hardrict
Genre: Sci-Fi, Thriller
Run Time: 119 mins
Opens: 17 April 2014
Rating: PG (Some Violence)

In the Pirates of the Caribbean films, Johnny Depp asked “why is the rum gone?” and in Transcendence, he gets to ask “why is the RAM gone?” Depp plays Dr. Will Caster who, along with his wife Evelyn (Hall), is one of the foremost minds in artificial intelligence research. His work has earned the ire of a radical militant anti-technology activist group called RIFT; their operative fatally wounding him. Before Will’s death, he and Evelyn decide to upload Will’s consciousness to a supercomputer, something Will’s best friend Max (Bettany) warns against. As Will in his transcendent form becomes near-omnipotent, Will and Evelyn’s mentor Joseph Tagger (Freeman) works with FBI agent Donald Buchanan (Murphy) to contain and stop Will before he endangers his wife and the world at large.



Transcendence marks the directorial debut of Wally Pfister, winner of a Best Cinematography Oscar for Inception. Perhaps echoing the film’s themes of a wariness of technology in some small way, Pifster is an outspoken critic of shooting on digital format and insisted on shooting Transcendence on 35 mm film. Jack Paglen’s script earned a spot on the 2012 Black List of unproduced screenplays that had garnered the most positive industry buzz. Transcendence is reminiscent of 90s cyber-punk techno-thrillers, bearing shades of The Lawnmower Man, The Thirteenth Floor, eXistenZ, Johnny Mnemonic and The Matrix; also clearly influenced by the works of sci-fi authors William Gibson and Philip K. Dick, both famous for exploring the dynamic relationship between man and machine. Source Code is a recent genre entry that also comes to mind. There’s a bit of Rise of the Planet of the Apes vibe too, with the well-intentioned scientists playing god. While all the above-mentioned films had their outlandish moments (or were outlandish as a whole), Pfister takes great pains to maintain a po-faced plausibility and he is mostly successful.

Pfister’s style as a cinematographer is marked by a clinical precision which curiously didn’t sacrifice too much personality, and that is carried over to Transcendence. As far as directing debuts go, this is an assured first feature and hopefully a sign of great things to come from Pfister. The story has its predictable moments but it makes turns into surprising territory when it matters the most. At the mid-point of the story, Will and Evelyn buy over a dusty, dilapidated town, transforming it into a futuristic cradle of ground-breaking technology, enriching the lives of its residents akin to the forward-thinking pioneer who revolutionises a backward frontier town in a Western. The way in which Evelyn’s love for her husband clouds her judgement is presented compellingly, though there are perhaps one too many spots in which she goes “oh, now you’ve gone too far!” while the story continues apace.



Johnny Depp’s popularity has waned in recent years, moviegoers growing tired of his eccentric shtick and the big-budget bomb The Lone Ranger doing him no favours. You know an actor has played some weird roles when “human consciousness in a supercomputer” is considered relatively normal by his standards. Depp is on good form here, his Will Caster beginning as a loveable just-mad-enough scientist and then progressing into a non-corporeal force of technology without going “the full Skynet”. That’s not particularly easy to play and it is a better career move for Depp than running around with a dead bird on his head.

It might be Depp’s face on the poster (the one that looks like it hasn’t completely loaded) but this is as much Rebecca Hall’s film as it is his. While Evelyn’s characterisation does at times lean towards “female lead being defined by the male character”, she moves the plot forward as much as anyone else does and just like in Iron Man 3, Hall is believable as a scientist and effectively essays a woman struggling with some complex ethical conundrums. Freeman and Murphy’s characters fall squarely into the categories of “mentor figure” and “cop assigned to the case” respectively, but they are as competent as they typically are. Paul Bettany’s part is meatier, as he goes from being Will’s confidant and supporter to being possibly swayed by RIFT’s ideology. As the shady RIFT operative Bree, Kate Mara’s performance brings the likes of The East and The Company You Keep to mind. She’s not the greatest actress but she does lend a degree of sympathetic humanity to what could have been a generic band of bad guys.

Audiences flock to big-budget, spectacle-driven sci-fi blockbusters, but there’s definitely room in the market for techno-thrillers that are smaller in scale but also more thought-provoking, intelligent and carefully-crafted. There are parts of the film that are genuinely chills-inducing – suffice it to say that Cyber-Will doesn’t become a charming, affable Him. Transcendence falls short of brilliance, not digging as deep into its premise as it could have, but it is still engrossing, boasts a top-drawer cast and is satisfyingly cerebral if not mental gymnastics-inducing.

Summary: It’s not quite mind-blowing, but Transcendence is still a well-made, clever and entertaining post-cyber-punk thriller (and the least annoying Johnny Depp has been in a while). Jack in and boot up!


RATING: 4 out of 5 Stars

Jedd Jong

Men of Geri-Action

As published in Issue #50 of F*** Magazine

MEN OF GERI-ACTION

TOP TEN SENIORS WHO CAN KICK YOUR ASS
By Jedd Jong 15/2/14

Liam Neeson, he of the particular set of skills, displays his tough guy prowess once more in action flick Non-Stop. He’s 61. Kevin Costner seems to be following in Neeson’s footsteps in 3 Days to Kill; he’s 59. It turns out that they’re far from the only action heroes who aren’t quite spring chickens to have blazed a trail of bullets and fisticuffs across the silver screen. F*** takes a look at ten such “badass grandpas”. Respect your elders or face their wrath!

SEAN CONNERY

Born: 1930

58 in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)

65 in The Rock (1996)

68 in Entrapment (1999)

72 in The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)

The original cinematic James Bond is the epitome of rough-and-tumble charm, a sexy Scotsman who only got more badass with age. Connery’s filmography is peppered with memorable parts and he made an oh-so-smooth transition from manly heartthrob to wise, seasoned mentor types. He played Indiana Jones’ dad (despite being only 12 years older than Harrison Ford) but turned down the chance to reprise the role in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull because “retirement ish jusht too damned much fun.” He got all the best lines in The Rock as a legendary former spy and the last man to escape from Alcatraz and he wooed Catherine Zeta-Jones, 39 years his junior, as a debonair gentleman thief in Entrapment. He had a miserable time filming the mediocre The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (“It wash a nightmare”) but was still as cool as ever as legendary adventurer Allan Quatermain. And oh, he almost got the parts of Morpheus in the Matrix films and Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings saga, but declined as he “didn’t undershtand the shcript.”

CHUCK NORRIS

Born: 1940

58 in Logan’s War: Bound by Honour (1998)

60 in The President’s Men (2000)

65 in Walker: Texas Ranger: Trial By Fire (2005)

72 in The Expendables 2 (2012)

Martial artist, actor and former Air Force serviceman Carlos Ray “Chuck” Norris became popular during the martial arts movie boom of the 70s, famously sharing the screen with (and getting defeated by) Bruce Lee in 1972’s Way of the Dragon. Norris created the martial art form Chun Kuk Do and has mostly starred in low-mid budget action vehicles, becoming a favourite of B-movie production house Cannon Group in the 80s. Many of his films were directed by his brother Aaron and were roundly mediocre straight-to-video or made-for-television affairs. He was also the star of Walker: Texas Ranger, which ran on TV from 1993 to 2001. Of course, the resurgence in Norris’ popularity can mostly be chalked up to “Chuck Norris facts”, satirical factoids attributing superhuman feats to the action star. These first started popping up on the internet in 2005, and Norris himself eventually acknowledged the meme onscreen in The Expendables 2 – R.I.P., unsuspecting cobra who bit Chuck Norris. Norris is also a devout Christian and his objection to the swearing in the screenplay almost resulted in a PG-13 rating for The Expendables 2, which was eventually rated R for its violence. Norris still got his way though – of about 100 uses of the f-bomb in the script, only one made it into the movie.

CLINT EASTWOOD

Born: 1930

61 in Unforgiven (1992)

62 in In the Line of Fire (1993)

66 in Absolute Power (1997)

69 in Space Cowboys (2000)

77 in Gran Torino (2008)

He’s the man with no name, the cop with the .44 Magnum, the greatest enemy of empty chairs everywhere: he’s Clint Eastwood, enduring cultural icon, the gold standard of masculinity and a talented, respected filmmaker in his own right. In 1958, Eastwood took on the lead role in the Western TV series Rawhide, but he truly made his mark in Sergio Leone’s 1964 classic, A Fistful of Dollars. Two more films followed in the spaghetti Western trilogy, capped off with The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. In the 1970s, Eastwood’s career soared, as he took on the role of Dirty Harry – and made his directorial debut with 1971’s Play Misty for Me. Eastwood is arguably one of the most successful actors-turned-directors, winning Best Director Oscars for Unforgiven and Million Dollar Baby. Unforgiven, in which Eastwood played a former bandit who reluctantly returns to his old ways to pay off his farm, probably marked the point at which Eastwood cemented his position as “badass grandpa”. Like Connery, Eastwood had no trouble with the ladies, romancing Rene Russo (24 years his junior) in In the Line of Fire. He’s got a softer side too, co-composing the soundtracks for most of his films, but when he says “get off my lawn”, you can bet he means it.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Born: 1937

60 in Hard Rain (1998)

68 in Edison Force (2006)

70 in Wanted (2008)

72 in RED (2010)

73 in Oblivion (2013)

He’s the man with the dulcet voice, the go-to narrator who’ll make anything from penguin migrations to the failing war on drugs sound suitably epic. Freeman has carved out a career niche as the all-knowing mentor figure with a twinkle in his eye and while he isn’t the first name that comes to mind when one thinks “action hero”, he’s done more than his fair share of butt-kicking. “Maybe I just gravitate towards gravitas,” he once said. He’s driven Miss Daisy and he’s played God and has also appeared in various action films where he doesn’t get to do much shooting or running (the Dark Knight trilogy, Olympus Has Fallen and Unleashed come to mind). That said, he’s played an armoured truck thief caught in the mother of all thunderstorms, was the coolly vicious head of a cabal of assassins, was an ex-CIA agent labelled “retired: extremely dangerous” and was the leader of a small group of human survivors on a post-apocalyptic earth. And he uttered what is probably the greatest Oscar-related quote ever: “Is there a movie I think I should have won the Oscar for? Yeah. All of them." He’s had his “senior moments”, memorably catching some shut-eye during an interview for Now You See Me, but you can bet that we all get shivers when he yells “shoot this mother**ker!”

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Born: 1946

59 in Rocky Balboa (2006)

61 in Rambo (2008)

63 in The Expendables (2010)

65 in The Expendables 2 (2012)

66 in Bullet to the Head (2013)

66 in Escape Plan (2013)

The Italian Stallion skyrocketed to stardom with 1976’s Rocky, which won Best Picture at the Oscars and garnered Stallone Best Original Screenplay and Best Actor Oscar nominations. However, Stallone wasn’t destined to become a feted method-acting star of prestige pictures, but to become an action hero – which is fine by us. After a string of ho-hum action flicks, Stallone proved he had some fight in him yet when he returned to his two most iconic roles, that of Rocky Balboa and John Rambo, in 2006 and 2008 respectively, also directing both films. 2010 saw the release of the first instalment in Stallone’s nostalgia-driven Expendables franchise, an exercise in getting the gang back together. Witnessing the likes of Stallone, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, Terry Crews, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger et al sharing the screen was a thrill for fans of old-school action flicks everywhere. 2012’s The Expendables 2 added the afore-mentioned Chuck Norris to the roster and had Jean-Claude Van Damme pulling villain duty. This year, The Expendables 3 will hit screens, boasting a bigger line-up than ever, with Wesley Snipes, Antonio Banderas and Harrison Ford joining the crew, up against Mel Gibson and Robert Davi as villains. Next to his hand and footprints in the forecourt of the Chinese Theatre in L.A., Stallone wrote “keep punching, America!” and with those ever-bulging biceps, he’s certainly taken his own advice to heart.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Born: 1947

64 in The Expendables 2 (2012)

65 in The Last Stand (2013)

65 in Escape Plan (2013)

66 in Sabotage (2014)

66 in The Expendables 3 (2014)

You know we couldn’t put Sylvester Stallone on the list without giving a tip of the hat to his rival-turned-best-bud Arnold Schwarzenegger. The bodybuilder/politician/actor is arguably even more of a larger-than-life figure than Stallone is. After all, he’s left an indelible impact on popular culture with roles like John Matrix, Dutch Schaefer, Conan the Barbarian and the Terminator, his endless string of quotable one liners, impressive feats of strength, willingness to (often awkwardly) dabble in comedy and the wonder of seeing political commentators say the words “Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger” with a straight face. Most moviegoers readily forgave him for his personal transgressions that made the news when Schwarzenegger left office and leapt back into movies, which is testament to his enduring popularity. His cameo in the first Expendables film was a taste of things to come, and he was given more screen time in the second outing. Plus, 2013 saw Schwarzenegger and Stallone get a proper team-up movie in the form of Escape Plan. He’s not slowing down this year, with action-thriller Sabotage hitting theatres soon and the third Expendables film following that. Schwarzenegger certainly wasn’t lying when he promised “I’ll be back” – rare for a politician!

HARRISON FORD

Born: 1942

59 in K-19: The Widowmaker (2002)

63 in Firewall (2006)

65 in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

68 in Cowboys and Aliens (2011)

71 in The Expendables 3 (2014)

With two iconic roles in blockbuster franchises to his name, Harrison Ford is one of the biggest movie stars of his generation. The carpenter-turned-actor is both the charming rogue space pirate (who shoots first) and the adventurer archaeologist who favours a whip and a revolver over a trowel. In addition to those landmark genre parts, Ford is a respectable actor in his own right, snagging an Oscar nomination for Witness. Ford is a badass grandpa in real life and not just in the movies, too. An avid aviation enthusiast, he assisted Teton County, Wyoming authorities on two helicopter rescue missions in his Bell 407. No word on whether he has ever said “GET OFF MY PLANE!” in real life. Ford has built a reputation as something of a curmudgeon, due to the wariness with which he regards overzealous Star Wars and Indiana Jones fans. “Am I grumpy? I might be. But I think maybe sometimes it's misinterpreted,” he said. Ford also angrily confronted Indonesian forestry minister Zulkifi Hasan while making a documentary on climate change. Besides a likely return to the Han Solo role for Star Wars Episode VII, Ford will join the Expendables 3 line-up, replacing Bruce Willis (with whom Sylvester Stallone had a falling out over Willis’ pay). Everyone probably agrees that it’s an upgrade.

JEFF BRIDGES

Born: 1949

58 in Iron Man (2008)

60 in Tron Legacy (2010)

60 in True Grit (2010)

63 in R.I.P.D. (2013)

63 in Seventh Son (release delayed to 2015)

Jeff Bridges has been acting for over five decades, coming from a family of actors including father Lloyd, mother Dorothy and brother Beau. To get an idea of the scope of his career, take a gander at this factoid: at 22, Bridges became one of the youngest actors ever nominated for an Oscar, for The Last Picture Show. And at age 60, he became one of the oldest actors to win, taking home Best Actor for Crazy Heart. His most famous role is probably that of Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski in the Coen Brothers’ cult favourite comedy The Big Lebowski, and traces of the Dude can be found in most of his performances since. Bridges suited up as the supervillain Obadiah Stane/Iron Monger, taking on Robert Downey, Jr.’s Tony Stark in Iron Man. He revisited the role of Kevin Flynn from 1982’s Tron in the 2010 sequel Tron: Legacy. By way of visual effects wizardry, Bridges also played Flynn’s physically younger doppelganger Clu. He reunited with the Coen Brothers for the remake of True Grit, taking on the Rooster Cogburn role famously inhabited by the Duke himself, John Wayne. Bridges played a trigger-happy cowboy again in R.I.P.D. (it was a hammier performance). Bridges has completed filming the fantasy action flick Seventh Son, in which he plays a powerful wizard.  The film has been delayed multiple times and will eventually be released in February 2015. Married to his wife Susan for 36 years, Bridges had this to say, “Sticking with a marriage. That's true grit, man.”

CHARLES BRONSON

Born: 1921

63 in Death Wish 3 (1985)

65 in Death Wish 4: The Crackdown (1987)

66 in Messenger of Death (1988)

71 in The Sea Wolf (1993)

72 in Death Wish V: The Face of Death (1994)

The late Charles Dennis Buchinsky, better known as Charles Bronson, is a bona fide old-school cinematic tough guy, famously describing his appearance as “like a quarry someone has dynamited”. When he died in 2003 at the age of 81, Bronson had left behind a legacy of silver screen badassery in an array of Westerns, war movies and, of course, revenge flicks. Bronson served in the U.S. Army Air Forces in the Second World War and received a purple heart. A memorable early appearance was in the horror flick House of Wax (no, not the one with Paris Hilton. The original!) as the silent henchman to Vincent Price’s sculptor/serial killer. He hit the big time with war movies The Great Escape and The Dirty Dozen, but truly became an icon with the role of vigilante Paul Kersey in the Death Wish films. “Audiences like to see the bad guys get their comeuppance,” Bronson said and boy, Kersey sure gave it to them. Bronson would play the architect-turned-gun-toting-avenger in four more films. Like Chuck Norris, Bronson starred in many low-budget movies for Cannon Films. The notorious British prisoner and bare-knuckle fighter Michael Peterson changed his name to “Charles Bronson” on the advice of his fight promoter, in spite of Peterson having never seen a Charles Bronson movie.

DANNY TREJO

Born: 1944

58 in Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003)

65 in Machete (2010)

67 in Bad Ass (2012)

68 in Dead in Tombstone (2013)

68 in Machete Kills (2013)

With over 250 movie and TV roles to his name, Danny Trejo is undoubtedly a B-movie icon, and the guy just keeps trucking. Tough, grizzled and unfazed, Trejo isn’t just putting on a tough guy façade for the camera: he was a teenage drug addict, bank robber and convict before turning over a new leaf as a drug counsellor – in fact, that’s how he got his first acting role in Runaway Train, counselling a kid working on the film when he was approached to be an extra. “I just totally got hooked. I found my calling…For the first half of my life, I went to prison for being a bad guy. Now they’re paying me to be a bad guy,” Trejo said. After years of playing bit parts, Trejo took the title role in Machete, continuing his long-time collaboration with director (and second cousin) Robert Rodriguez. Machete had its origins as a mock-trailer in the throwback exploitation double bill Grindhouse, and it played on Trejo’s image as a violent, nigh-superhuman Federale agent, gifted with the bladed weapon that is his namesake. He has seven films coming out in 2014, ranging from Muppets Most Wanted to vigilante thriller Bullet. Rodriguez has said that he views Danny Trejo as something of a Mexican Charles Bronson and he certainly wouldn’t be too far off.