As published in Issue #51 of
F*** Magazine
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Text:
MARVEL-LESS
Top 10 movies Marvel would rather we
forget
by Jedd Jong 16/3/14
Phase II of the Marvel Cinematic
Universe is in full swing, with Captain
America: The Winter Soldier in theatres now and Guardians of the Galaxy arriving in August. The rights to certain
Marvel properties still reside with external studios: Spider-Man’s at Sony and Fox have X-Men and the Fantastic Four.
There was a time before the cinematic House of M had a complete roof, and here F***
takes a look at some of the spottier entries on the Marvel movie track record,
including made-for-TV movies and one that wasn’t even released. Prepare to
cringe and thank the comic book movie gods that 2008’s Iron Man worked out as well as it did!
HOWARD THE DUCK
1986
A quirky, subversive creation of writer Steve
Gerber and artist Val Mayerik, it’s safe to say that Howard the Duck is among
the weirder Marvel characters, an anthropomorphic duck who provides social
commentary and partakes in parodies of other comics. The Howard the Duck movie was a notorious failure, often considered one
of the worst films ever made, and is also seen by many as George Lucas’ “start
of darkness” years before the Star Wars
prequels came along. Produced by Lucas and directed by Willard Huyck, who along
with his wife Gloria Katz knew Lucas from film school, Howard the Duck was originally planned as an animated film, though
it’s hard to say if it would have turned out better as one. The end result was
baffling, alienating, disturbing, grotesque and nonsensical all at once, filled
with upsetting sexual overtones between the title character and Beverly, a
young aspiring singer played by Back to
the Future’s Lea Thompson. Imagine how many parents were aghast, thinking
it would be a great idea to bring their kids to see the latest movie “from the
creator of Star Wars”. As Steven
Tyler once said, “Well, hellfire, save matches, f*** a duck and see what
hatches!”
CAPTAIN AMERICA
1979
Everyone knows the Incredible Hulk TV series starring Lou Ferrigno and Bill Bixby, but
around the same time, Marvel attempted to launch TV shows starring some of its
other heroes to not quite as much (okay, very little) success. 1979’s Captain
America starred cult movie actor Reb Brown (remember Yor, The Hunter from the Future?) in the title role and was one of
those “in-name-only” adaptations. Here, Steve Rogers wasn’t a World War II hero
defrosted from an icy slumber, but a former Marine caught in a road accident.
He was then injected with a super-serum created by his late father, who was a
patriotic WWII-era government agent nicknamed “Captain America”. Behold the
motorcycle helmet, semi-transparent shield and that hilarious bike! There were
also no characters from the comics in the film besides Cap himself. This was
followed up with a sequel the same year, entitled Captain America II: Death Too Soon. Reb Brown shared this anecdote
from the set: “I came out of my motor home and I was in full Captain America
regalia, had my shield and everything. There was a drunk sitting on the wall He
looks up at me, falls off the wall and says 'I gotta stop drinking!’ He climbs
back up on the wall, sees that I'm real, and says 'well, maybe not.'" You
might need some of the hard stuff to sit through this one, that’s for sure.
CAPTAIN AMERICA
1990
Before Chris Evans became the star-spangled
man, there was yet another attempt at bringing Captain America to the movies in
the form of this schlocky, low-budget flick directed by B-movie veteran Albert
Pyun. Donning the red white and blue was Matt Salinger, son of Catcher in the Rye author J. D.
Salinger. The Red Skull became a fascist Italian operative instead of a Nazi
one, and was apparently behind the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr., JFK
and Bobby Kennedy. In an interview with GQ Magazine, Salinger revealed “in my
costume they gave me these ears—they weren't my real ears—they just had this
plastic that was part of the costume, these rubber ears. And there were some
shots where they just looked so bad. Really kind of cheesy.” He has been very
good-natured about his participation in this unfortunate flick, saying “am I
bitter? Not at all; it was fun and not that many people get to play a
superhero.” The show was arguably stolen by that spy who comes in to
congratulate government scientists on their success with the super soldier
project, only to abruptly pull a pistol, yell “HEIL HITLER!” and shoot the guy.
It’s that kind of movie.
THE PUNISHER
1989
Frank Castle is probably the
anti-hero most comic book readers think of when they hear the term “anti-hero”.
Succinctly described as “Batman if he didn’t have that hang-up about using
guns”, the Punisher has appeared in three films so far, this one being the
first. Dolph “I must break you” Lundgren, fresh off playing He-Man in the Masters of the Universe film, played
Frank Castle – sans iconic skull logo. Co-writer Boaz Yakin fought hard for the
preservation of that aspect, but it was deemed “too comic book-y”, this
omission one of several areas in which this take on the Punisher strayed too
far from the source material. He also lived in the sewer. However, taken on its
own, it’s a half-decent vigilante thriller and works great as something to pop
into the DVD player when you’re feeling nostalgic for cheesy late-80s action
mayhem. There are entertaining stereotypical villains too, with Jeroen Krabbé as
a Mafia kingpin and Kim Miyori as a Yakuza dragon lady. The Punisher also
features one of the best Lundgren one-liners outside of that Rocky IV line: Frank’s
ex-partner Lt. Berkowitz (Louis Gossett, Jr.) asks Frank “what the f*** do you
call 125 murders in five years!?" to which he replies “work in progress.”
PUNISHER: WAR ZONE
2008
Following the mildly successful 2004 Punisher film starring Thomas Jane, it
was decided that instead of a sequel, a reboot would be released, produced
under the “Marvel Knights” banner. Ray Stevenson replaced Thomas Jane in the
skull-emblazoned fatigues, and Dominic West played the supervillain Jigsaw.
Released in December, it was a critical and commercial failure, but the story
behind its making does earn Punisher: War
Zone a second look, and the likes of comedian/actor Patton Oswalt have
become vocal proponents of the film. It’s messy, violent, intense and
theatrical; the late Roger Ebert deemed it well-made but “disgusting”. Director
Lexi Alexander wanted to prove that female directors could take on big action
flicks too and as a former World Point Fighting and Karate champion who played
Kitana in the Mortal Kombat: Live Tour
arena show, she’s one tough cookie. Her first short film was also an
Oscar-nominated one. Turns out the director is probably more interesting than
the Punisher: War Zone film itself. Ray
Stevenson has also been a good sport about it, parodying his role by voicing
the Punisher in kids’ cartoon The Super
Hero Squad Show, in which the Punisher likens crime to Brussels sprouts on
a plate of mac and cheese.
NICK FURY: AGENT OF S.H.I.E.L.D.
1998
In the current Marvel Cinematic Universe, pop
cultural icon and all-around badass Samuel L. Jackson dons the eye patch as the
head honcho of clandestine organisation S.H.I.E.L.D. Before him though, none
other than the Hoff played Nick Fury in a television movie on Fox, based on the
Earth-616 incarnation of Fury before the Ultimates one (modelled on Jackson
himself) came along. In this 90s cheese-fest, retired super-agent Fury is
called back into action when terrorist organisation HYDRA rears its head (or
heads, rather), with La Contessa Valentina Allegra de la Fontaine (Lisa Rinna)
and Madame Hydra (Sandra Hess) as the main threats. This travesty was written
by David S. Goyer, who - *gulp* - seems to be in charge of shaping the DC
cinematic universe, having written Man of
Steel. Not content with chomping cigars and chewing scenery, David Hasselhoff,
who let’s face it is no more than a pop culture punchline at this point, came forward
to say he thinks he’s still a better Fury than Sam Jackson. "Stan Lee came
on the set and told me all about Nick. He said 'You're the ultimate Nick Fury'.
He gave me the greatest compliment ever,” Hasselhoff bragged. "I was
hoping to have played him in the movie. And then Samuel L. Jackson came in and
he was a great Nick Fury but he wasn't really the consummate Nick Fury, the way
he was written. And I think that's a shame because he's a great character and a
funny character… I'm hoping to do it again sometime,” he continued, blaming
“whoever directed (The Avengers)”.
Dream on, Mitch.
MAN-THING
2005
Now, stop snickering kids; we’ve all heard the
“Giant-Size Man-Thing” jokes before. The character of Dr. Ted Sallis was a
biochemist transformed by a mixture mystical swamp-dwelling forces and an
attempted recreation of the Super Soldier serum into the mossy monster.
Man-Thing’s first appearance in the May 1971 issue of Savage Tales predates
DC’s similar creation Swamp Thing by two months, but a Swamp Thing movie was released in 1982 (directed by horror meister
Wes Craven) while Man-Thing had to
wait until 2005. The telefilm changed Ted Sallis from a scientist to a Native
American Shaman, also excluding the character’s connections to A.I.M. (recently
featured in Iron Man 3) and the super-soldier serum, instead opting for a more
straightforward, schlocky creature feature approach. It was intended as a video
release, then planned as a theatrical release during the 2004 Halloween season
but bumped back to debuting on video and the Sci Fi Channel. Legend has it that
half the audience up and left during a test screening of this film. Director
Brett Leonard attempted to insert some shout-outs to comic book creators Steve
Gerber, Mike Ploog and Val Mayerik with characters named after them (the last
played by Leonard himself), but it was probably cold, wet, slimy comfort to any
fans of the Man-Thing comics.
THE TRIAL OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK
1989
We’ve mentioned the 1978 Incredible
Hulk television show, and after it concluded, there were three made-for-TV
films produced to keep the Hulk name smashing on: The Incredible Hulk Returns (which is where that picture of Stan
Lee, Hulk and Thor at the top of this article comes from), The Trial of the Incredible Hulk and The Death of the Incredible Hulk. The Incredible Hulk Returns was intended as a backdoor pilot for a Thor TV series, set to star Eric Kramer
in the title role. Likewise, The Trial of
the Incredible Hulk was to have launched a TV series for Marvel’s resident
lawyer/vigilante, Daredevil. Neither of those shows materialised.
Matt Murdock/Daredevil was played by Rex Smith, with his arch-nemesis Kingpin (sporting
beard and hair unlike his comics counterpart and referred to only as “Wilson
Fisk”) played by John-Rhys Davies. Daredevil’s appearance was intentionally
quite different from that in the comics: an all-black, not red, suit, no devil
horns on the cowl and an absence of the Double-D insignia on his chest. Spoiler
alert: the “trial” of the title only takes place in a dream sequence, as
“trial” is supposed to have a double meaning – like in “trials and
tribulations”. A pretty disappointing, supposedly clever move. This is also
noteworthy as the first Marvel movie in which Stan Lee made a cameo appearance,
as the jury foreman in the Hulk’s “trial”.
GHOST RIDER: SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE
2012
Lifelong comic book fan Nicolas Cage (the
“Cage” in his stage name is taken from Marvel Comics character Luke Cage) leapt
at the chance to play Johnny Blaze/Ghost Rider in the 2006 film. While campy
and forgettable, it’s far from as hated as the fiery bike wreck of a sequel, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. Cage
was the only returning cast member, with Mark Neveldine and Brain Taylor of Crank infamy taking on directorial duty.
Set eight years after the events of the first movie, Spirit of Vengeance sees Johnny Blaze playing guardian angel to a
young boy hunted by the demon Roarke (Ciarán Hinds). While promoting the film,
Cage promised “moments that are for lack of a better word: freaky. You are
going to be like, ‘Did I just see that happen?’ Hopefully it will mess with
your mind, which is what I’m excited about.” Scenes like the Ghost Rider
urinating a stream of fire and Cage exclaiming “he’s scraping at the door,
scrapin’ at the doooaah!!” In our review of the film, we gave it 0.5 out of 5
stars, not even Idris Elba in a supporting role as a French monk could salvage
this.
Said our writer, “It's not often that writing a movie review feels like
rendering a public service, but in this case, we feel like superheroes saving
humanity from evil when we state this warning: do not watch this movie.”
"Personally, I'm done," Cage said when asked if he would return to
the role. Like Johnny probably felt after peeing fire, we can say we’re
relieved.
THE FANTASTIC FOUR
1994
The 2005 Fantastic
Four film and its 2007 sequel, both directed by Tim Story, are fluffy
throwaway flicks, if not awful ones, and are often dismissed. But the Fantastic Four movie that has stayed in
the collective geek consciousness is the one that wasn’t even released.
Produced by Z-movie king Roger Corman and directed by music video director Oley
Sassone, this curiosity exists just so production company Constantin Film could
cling to the movie rights for the Fantastic
Four property, as they were due to revert to Marvel soon. Stan Lee claimed
that “the movie was never supposed to be shown to anybody." Co-producer Bernd
Eichinger has long disputed Lee’s claims. What we know is that this was a movie
that was essentially a “watch this space” notice, hastily slapped together and
boasting special effects that would be dated in 1964, let alone 30 years later,
Johnny Storm in flame-on mode essentially a cartoon. The bootleg has been a
comic convention staple and has made its rounds on the internet. Filmmaker
Marty Langford’s exposé documentary Doomed!
The Untold Story of Roger Corman's The Fantastic Four is due out later this
year. We’re honestly more excited for that than for the actual remake.
