Absolutely Anything

For F*** Magazine

ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING

Director : Terry Jones
Cast : Simon Pegg, Kate Beckinsale, Robin Williams, Rob Riggle, Terry Jones, Terry Gilliam, John Cleese, Michael Palin, Eric Idle, Sanjeev Bhaskar, Joanna Lumley
Genre : Comedy
Run Time : 86 mins
Opens : 3 September 2015
Rating : NC16 (Brief Nudity and Some Coarse Language)

Because being Scotty in Star Trek and palling around with Tom Cruise in the Mission: Impossible movies just isn’t cool enough, Simon Pegg is granted infinite power in this sci-fi comedy. Pegg plays Neil Clarke, a schoolteacher who harbours a crush on his neighbour, TV station employee Catherine West (Beckinsale). A supreme council of aliens, having come across the Voyager probe satellite, decide to conduct a test to see if earth is worthy of being spared from total annihilation. One of the planet’s residents is chosen at random to be bestowed with the ability to make absolutely anything they wish happen. Neil just so happens to be the lucky person. As he comes to terms with his newfound abilities, he gives his pet dog Dennis a human voice (Williams) and has to fend off Catherine’s aggressive suitor, the American colonel Grant (Riggle). Neil soon finds out, as he must, that possessing all the power in the world isn’t as ideal as it’s cracked up to be. 

Absolutely Anything is directed by Terry Jones and is the long-awaited return of the legendary Monty Python comedy troupe to the big screen. Alas, the legacy of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, The Life of Brian and The Meaning of Life is too great for even Jones to live up to. While Absolutely Anything does have jokes that work and possesses a good cast, the gags often seem crass and silly instead of bizarrely inspired the way the best Monty Python bits did. Absolutely Anything is also highly derivative of other works – Jones admits to being inspired by the H.G. Wells short story The Man Who Could Work Miracles and the high concept comedy premise is very strongly reminiscent of Bruce Almighty. The scenes in which the high council of grotesque aliens (voiced by Python members Jones, Gilliam, Cleese, Palin and Idle) float about in their spaceship and deliberate the fate of mankind are sub-Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy sci-fi comedy. The film is highly reliant on computer-generated imagery, and the quality of the visual effects does leave something to be desired. 

Simon Pegg is as likeable as he usually is, though he can do the beleaguered everyman shtick in his sleep and has come up with far smarter comic ideas himself, when partnered with Nick Frost, whose presence here is missed. Kate Beckinsale is a serviceable straight woman; she and Pegg do not have great chemistry but it’s not a flat-out failure of a romantic pairing. Rob Riggle goes completely unhinged in a stereotypical portrayal of a loudmouth, gun-crazy American. Robin Williams, in his final performance, voices the loveable pooch Dennis. It’s an entertaining turn, but not the most memorable nor the most adorable talking dog we’ve seen – for this reviewer, that prestigious title still belongs to Dug from Up. Dennis is enthusiastic and silly, but there isn’t much of an opportunity for Williams to riff or improvise. Footage of Williams in the recording booth plays over the end credits, and it is extremely bittersweet to watch, a reminder of the actor’s infectious energy and sense of humour. 

Film critic Kevin Maher of The Times called this “certainly one of the worst movies ever made”. While we wouldn’t go that far, we will agree that this is a frustrating watch given the rich history of very funny material the Pythons have given comedy-lovers over several decades. This reviewer did laugh several times, but some of the material is quite cringe-worthy indeed. There are hints of the Pythons’ former glory, such as a scene in which Neil accidentally wishes that everyone who has ever died come back to life, leading to a very sudden zombie rampage. It sounds like a premise rife with possibilities, but Absolutely Anything does precious little with the age-old “be careful what you wish for” dictum. Just as Neil irresponsibly abuses his omnipotence instead of truly accomplishing anything significant, Absolutely Anything feels like a giant wasted opportunity for a truly funny romp. 

Summary: A far cry from the off-kilter comic brilliance of the old Monty Python movies, Absolutely Anything is only sporadically funny and often pointlessly embarrassing. 

RATING: 2 out of 5 Stars 

Jedd Jong 

The Trials of Cate McCall

For F*** Magazine

THE TRIALS OF CATE MCCALL 

Director : Karen Moncrieff

Cast : Kate Beckinsale, Nick Nolte, James Cromwell, David Lyons, Clancy Brown, Mark Pellegrino, Taye Diggs, Isaiah Washington, Dale Dickey, Kathy Baker

Genre : Drama

Opens : 19 June 2014

Rating : NC16 – Some Coarse Language / 93 mins

It’s a case of the almost-Danza with Kate as Cate. Beckinsale plays Cate McCall, a high-flying L.A. legal eagle whose promising career is threatened by alcoholism and a custody battle, ex-husband Josh (Lyons) planning on moving to Seattle with their young daughter Augie (Ava Kolker). Cate is assigned to defend Lacey Stubbs (Anissimova), a young woman put on death row who claims that she was wrongly accused of first degree murder. With her Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor Bridges (Nolte) by her side, Cate takes on what many deem an impossible case. Among the obstacles that stand in her way are possibly-crooked police detective Welch (Pellegrino), womanising judge Sumpter (Cromwell), a man she prosecuted and who was proven innocent and released from jail (Washington) plus the army of protestors camped outside the courthouse, convinced of Lacey’s guilt.

            The thought running through this reviewer’s mind for the duration of this film was “gee, this looks like it belongs on TV”. It turns out that The Trials of Cate McCall was not granted a U.S. or U.K. theatrical run, bypassing a video release and airing on the Lifetime Channel as a movie of the week, a death knell if ever there was one. As a courtroom drama, The Trials of Cate McCall is pretty much par for the course, offering nothing one wouldn’t find in any law procedural television show. The central mystery is moderately interesting rather than downright riveting; several plot developments questionable if not preposterous. More than a handful of artistic license is taken and law students will be crying “objection!” but for the layperson, it all makes just enough sense.

            In some circles, Kate Beckinsale is thought of as merely a pretty face and little else, but the truth is that she is a capable actress and makes for a believable lawyer here, somewhat reminiscent of her turn in the under-seen Nothing but the Truth. She projects confidence and brokenness equally well and makes the title character into someone the audience does very much want to see succeed. We see Cate dishevelled and crying but also taking control of the courtroom and it’s certainly not a bad performance from Beckinsale. Nick Nolte has pretty much been out of it for the last 20 years but still has gotten steady work as a dependable supporting player and, as his Academy Award nomination for Warrior proves, can still do good work. Not too much is required of him in The Trials of Cate McCall but he’s got the “gruff but kind” mentor figure thing down pat. James Cromwell makes full use of his hawkish mien as Justice Sumpter; he may be best remembered for playing a kindly farmer in Babe but prepare to throw up in your mouth a little when he pervs on Kate Beckinsale. Who’s the pig now?

            The Trials of Cate McCall features a capable Kate Beckinsale leading the charge but it really is nothing that hasn’t been done before, rote rather than sensational. The need for an emotional subplot involving Cate’s inability to connect with her young daughter is there to show how Cate struggles with her demanding job and with being a mother (hence the plural “trials” in the title), but it seems unnecessary at times. Writer-director Karen Moncrieff, like her lead actress, is competent, but every so often we get lines like “I’m f**king good at what I do and I intend to win this!” It’s bland, but not quite as ham-fisted a mess as it could’ve been.

Summary:  Kate Beckinsale is a strong lead and the supporting cast of somewhat-familiar faces backs her up well, but that’s not enough to pull this also-rans courtroom drama up from the doldrums.

RATING: 2.5 out of 5 Stars

Jedd Jong 

Total Recall (2012)

 Written for F*** Magazine, Singapore

Movie Review                                                                                                             6/8/12

TOTAL RECALL

2012

Starring: Colin Farrell, Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel

Directed by: Len Wiseman

Judging from all the reboots, remakes and “re-imaginings” flooding the cinemas as of late, it would seem that Hollywood either thinks us moviegoers have terrible memories, or they’re running low on ideas – the latter seems more likely. This film is a remake of the much-beloved 1990 film starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, which in turn was based on a book by revered science fiction author Philip K Dick. The book’s title? We Can Remember It for You Wholesale, which the filmmakers seem intent on making into reality. To add insult to injury, the studio behind this one is named…Original Film.

However, easy as it is to bash this film on the fact that it’s a remake alone, it’s also important to judge it on its own merits. This reviewer is at somewhat of an advantage having not seen the original film from start to end and therefore not having an emotional attachment to that iteration. While it might be helpful to compare the two versions, as a standalone film, does Total Recall 2.0 work? Actually, kinda, sorta, yes.

Filling in for Austrian beefcake Schwarzenegger is Irish beef patty Colin Farrell as Doug Quaid, a lowly factory worker who makes a living assembling robot policemen. Quaid is married to the beautiful Lori (Beckinsale), but feels markedly unsatisfied with his boring existence and decides to get a memory implant from the company Rekall, which would allow him to live out his fantasy of being a treacherous secret agent all in his head. However, it turns out that Quaid really was a secret agent who had been given a memory wipe, and his darling wife, an undercover agent monitoring him for the tyrannical Chancellor Cohaagen (Bryan Cranston), immediately sets about trying to kill him. The mysterious Melina (Biel), a resistance fighter from Quaid’s former life, rescues him as he struggles to make sense of the disorienting revelation of his secret past.

Total Recall is generally an enjoyable science fiction action film which draws the viewer in somewhat with some pretty cool action sequences and good visual effects work, and functions competently on the level of a popcorn flick thrill ride. However, the film offers nothing new, and this seems to hammer home the point that a Total Recall remake was probably redundant. It seems stripped of whatever intellectual subtext Dick had written into his short story and plays like a more action-driven and less clever Minority Report, also a P-K-D adaptation (which had Colin Farrell in it too). The slums of the Colony, which Quaid calls home, are a multicultural, cyber-punk hodgepodge with predominantly Asian influences, which is what most every depiction of a futuristic dystopia has been since Blade Runner, the first film adaptation of a Philip K Dick story. The maglev car chase is cool and all, but seems ripped right out of Minority Report. And the robot police force is pretty much a cross between the Stormtroopers from Star Wars and the robots from I, Robot.

However, one would be wont to mention that the action sequences manage to generate some excitement, shot in Len Wiseman’s glossy, kinetic style. He might want to rename himself “Lensflare Wiseman” because his use of that effect borders on the excessive. There are a few inventive elements to be seen: in the future, people commute between The Colony and the United Federation of Britain via “the fall”, a gravity train that tunnels through the earth. Cue fight scenes in zero-G, and a relatively spectacular finale which sees the super-subway get destroyed. There are also the afore-mentioned maglev cars and elevators that, like the one out of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, can travel every which way. The close calls where elevator cars zip right past our heroes at frightening speeds can be genuinely intense. On the gadget front, there are the literal “hand phones”, biotech implants which ensure you’ll never leave your phone at home again.

Colin Farrell has shied away from big-budget blockbusters after the massive failure that was 2004’s Alexander, instead rebuilding his reputation in critically-acclaimed smaller films such as Crazy Heart, In Bruges and Ondine. He shows off considerable action hero chops and while he’s no Ahnold (at his peak, anyway), does have the muscle definition and bulk to show for it. He marshals a confused, paranoid guy who has remarkable abilities lurking beneath the surface pretty well, but one gets the impression that Arnie was probably much more exciting in the part, though Farrell is clearly a better actor.

Kate Beckinsale shines as Lori and visibly relishes the chance to go all-out evil, cold-hearted bitch. She does a great transformation from “nice” Lori to “evil” Lori, and it’s clear that director Wiseman loves showing off his wife. With the Underworld movies under her belt, Beckinsale is great to watch in the martial arts and gunfight sequences, combining a degree of elegance and sex appeal with dangerous force. Jessica Biel is quite a bit blander, and seems not much more than the tagalong action girl, though she does have her share of action bits (including a catfight with Beckinsale – mrrrow!) and eh, is alright.

Bryan Cranston as the main villain is woefully underused. The guy is an excellent actor, but has too little screen time to make much of an impact and most of it squeezed in at the end as a lead up to the finale. Beckinsale ends up shouldering the bad guy responsibilities, when Lori is meant to be a henchwoman of Chancellor Cohaagen’s. Bill Nighy, an alumnus of Wiseman’s Underworld flicks, gets even shorter shrift as Matthias, the leader of the resistance – getting a grand total of one scene and barely enough time for his signature scenery chewing.

If you’ve come for your share of futuristic science fiction wham bam fisticuffs, then Total Recall Redux delivers those goods. However, if you’re a fan of the first film, be forewarned that Mars, mutants, exploding eyeballs and creepy tumour-creatures are nowhere to be seen. This seems more sanitized, safer and more generic, but also less self-indulgent and more accessible (Paul Verhoeven, director of the original, isn’t known for his subtlety).

SUMMARY: Strap yourself in, but it’s not so much happy trails as mildly-but-barely satisfying trails. The earlier film is probably the way to go for a crazier, wilder trip.

RATING: 3/5 STARS

Jedd Jong