Terminator Genisys

For F*** Magazine

TERMINATOR GENISYS

Director : Alan Taylor
Cast : Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jason Clarke, Emilia Clarke, Jai Courtney, J. K. Simmons, Dayo Okeniyi, Matthew Smith, Courtney B. Vance, Lee Byung-Hun 
Genre : Sci-Fi/Action
Run Time : 126 mins
Opens : 25 June 2015
Rating : PG13 (Violence & Brief Coarse Language)

“There is no fate but what we make” – the filmmakers behind the fifth entry in the Terminator film series hope to rewrite its fate, after the third and fourth films left most critics and moviegoers cold. Sci-fi fans know the drill – artificially intelligent network Skynet has taken over the world, killing most of earth’s population in the apocalyptic “Judgement Day”. In the future, John Connor (Jason Clarke) leads the resistance against the machines. In this reboot, John sends his trusted lieutenant Kyle Reese (Courtney) back in time from 2029 to 1984 to save John’s mother Sarah (Emilia Clarke) from the T-800 Terminator (Schwarzenegger/Brett Azar/Aaron V. Williamson). Kyle arrives in the past to discover he has entered an alternate timeline where Sarah Connor already knows her destiny and has been watched over by an aging T-800 she has nicknamed “Pops” (also Schwarzenegger). Forced to team up with Sarah and Pops, Kyle has to figure out what this means for the future as Skynet takes on a new form; the universal connectivity app “Genisys”.

            2015 has already seen the release of new Mad Max and Jurassic Park films, with the seventh Star Wars movie due in December. We won’t be griping about the prevalence of sequels and reboots, because those can be good – it seems the problem isn’t so much that Hollywood has run out of ideas but that studio executives are banking too much on brand recognition and the built-in audience a pre-existing intellectual property brings with it. Terminator Genisys is caught in a paradox: one won’t be able to fully grasp its place in the larger Terminator mythos without having seen the earlier films, but if one holds the first two movies very dear, it’s likely to be a considerable disappointment. The “alternate timeline” route, not unlike with the 2009 Star Trek reboot, seems like a reasonable premise for a series built on time travel. However, the directions that Laeta Kalogridis and Patrick Lussier’s screenplay takes this in often feel like desperate attempts to stretch out a series that should have ended with 1991’s T2 (or at least the theme park attraction T2: 3D Battle Across Time). Judgement Day is postponed - again - and our protagonists have to stop this new Judgement Day from happening – again.

            The film is comparable to a greatest hits album as sung by a cover band – it’s trying its darndest to add something to the existing material but often feels perfunctory in having to hit those certain iconic waypoints along the way. Genisys actually does a fine job of setting up its fairly convoluted back-story in its opening minutes – we’re told in relatively concise fashion what Skynet is, what happened on Judgement Day, who John Connor is, why Kyle Reese needs to be sent back in time and what the scope of the threat is. Even then, more than a passing familiarity with T1 and 2 is needed for all of it to make proper sense. There’s also the matter of the spectacle – sure, there are plenty of action set pieces and there is some cool new imagery, particularly during a scene involving a MRI scanner, but none of it is truly awe-inspiring or unique. The first two Terminator films, T2 in particular, broke a lot of ground in the realm of special and visual effects and packed in jaw-dropping moments that still hold up today. There is a marked over-reliance on computer-generated imagery and yes, while this is a series about robots, it all feels too synthetic. There’s a helicopter chase that looks entirely like it belongs in a video game and the T-1000’s (Lee) liquid metal effects are on about the same level as those in T2 24 years ago.

            Arnold Schwarzenegger’s return to the iconic role of the T-800 does lend some legitimacy to the enterprise but we’re sure some fans will find it difficult to accept that the lethal killing machine is now relegated to a softer father figure and often functions as the comic relief. Schwarzenegger still possesses the chops to pull off the action beats and is still a believable badass. However, we don’t get anything half as heart-rending as the bond between the T-800 and a young John Connor in T2, even when the Terminator is supposed to have practically raised Sarah since she was a little girl. At times, this reviewer felt like he was watching a lavishly-produced fan film that had managed to snag an actor from the original show, akin to how Walter Koenig, Nichelle Nichols and George Takei sometimes make appearances in Star Trek fan productions.

            What makes it all the more difficult for this to be accepted as a proper Terminator continuation is that while Arnie is a recognisable holdover from the earlier films, all the other re-imagined characters look and feel so different than how we know them. Emilia Clarke goes from being the Mother of Dragons to the mother of humanity’s last hope. She is miscast as Sarah Connor, largely unconvincing as a badass woman who has spent most of her life under the tutelage of a purpose-built killing machine. When compared to how intense Linda Hamilton was in the role, Emilia Clarke seems like she’s merely playing dress-up, whiny rather than burdened with the fate of the human race.

            Jai Courtney looks and acts nothing like Michael Biehn, making him another puzzling casting choice. Where Biehn’s Kyle Reese was a sensitive, scarred but romantic figure, Courtney is more brutish. When Kyle and Sarah get into arguments, as they often do throughout the film, it feels awfully petty instead of carrying the weight of life and death. While undoubtedly a central figure to the mythos, John Connor has never really been the most interesting character of the series. Jason Clarke is fine in the role and the major plot twist in the film (which was spoiled in the trailers and the poster) does add an interesting layer to the character, but purists will probably find it sacrilegious. Lee Byung-hun does little more than run fast and look menacing as the shape-shifting T-1000 and J. K. Simmons is entirely wasted in a throwaway bit part as the lone police officer who believes Sarah and Kyle’s far-fetched story. Doctor Who’s Matt Smith also pops up in a small but crucial role.

            As a standalone sci-fi action film, Terminator: Genisys has its entertaining moments and isn’t as confusing in presenting its alternate timeline plot as it could’ve been. However, it’s impossible to pretend that this film doesn’t come with more than its share of baggage and doesn’t have a towering legacy to live up to. In riffing on what James Cameron had created with the first two Terminator films, Terminator Genisys director Alan Taylor has delivered a pale imitation of a sci-fi icon, an also-rans at best. Stick around for a mid-credits sequel-bait scene.

Summary: There is effort put into Terminator Genisys, but this attempt at continuing the franchise can’t help but feel it exists just for the sake of existing and is likely to alienate long-time fans of the series.

RATING: 2.5 out of 5 Stars

Jedd Jong 

Maggie

For F*** Magazine

MAGGIE

Director : Henry Hobson

Cast : Arnold Schwarzenegger, Abigail Breslin, Joely Richardson

Genre : Horror/Thriller

Run Time : 95 mins

Opens : 8 May 2015

Rating : PG13 (Some Disturbing Scenes)

            Arnold Schwarzenegger has played the protective father casting a watchful eye over his daughter in many an action flick. In this horror drama, he plays Wade Vogel, a Papa Wolf of a different stripe. Wade’s daughter Maggie (Breslin) is among the victims of an epidemic, infected by a virus that slowly turns its host into cannibalistic zombies. Maggie, her father and her stepmother Caroline (Richardson) live in fear of “the turn”, the point in the disease’s incubation period from which there is no coming back. As Maggie struggles with the illness and the impact her condition has on those she holds dear, Wade stands steadfast by his daughter’s side.

            Coming off like an alternate universe collaboration between Jodi Picoult and George A. Romero, Maggie takes a zombie outbreak and spins this horror trope into a terminal illness drama. John Scott 3’s screenplay landed on the 2011 Black List of most-liked unproduced scripts in Hollywood and it’s easy to see the appeal in the premise. However, Maggie often gets caught up in said premise, unable to transcend the concept itself to be truly affecting. Director Henry Hobson takes great pains to establish the situation and portray the epidemic as a credible threat, but seeing how ingrained a particular interpretation of zombies are in popular culture, it will be difficult for audiences to break free of the perception of zombies as mindless, shambling monsters and even harder for them to reconcile that with tender family drama.

            Those whose lives have been affected by terminal illness directly or otherwise will certainly be able to relate to many of the heart-rending scenarios presented in Maggie. We applaud the allegorical approach and this isn’t the first story to put a spin on the zombie formula – World War Z (the book far more so than the film) was a socio-political satire set against a global zombie outbreak. Maggie takes the premise very seriously, devoid of self-reflexive winks at the audience, and is earnest to a fault. There is always the danger that the inherent absurdity of a weepy zombie flick will negate the emotional beats, Maggie occasionally painting itself into this corner. The film is also very much a slow burn, drifting from scene to scene in an episodic fashion. Even though there are disturbing moments of tension and there’s a ticking clock element in place, Maggie often lacks a crucial urgency.

            The cast does give it their all and this does have the vibe of an indie picture that’s managed to snag a couple of big names because they were drawn to the challenge. This has been touted as a revelatory performance from Schwarzenegger, and while he is more convincingly vulnerable than we’ve ever seen him, it is difficult to completely buy the Austrian Oak as an average Midwestern dad for obvious reasons. That trademark accent is an integral part of the Schwarzenegger brand and his larger-than-life persona works against him in this film, as opposed to dovetailing into the onscreen role. The most justification this is given is the surname “Vogel”. Rather than completely becoming the character, as is the goal for any actor, Schwarzenegger’s presence calls attention to itself in spite of his best efforts. That said, it is a smart move on his part to tackle a “serious acting” role that happens to be in a genre movie.

     

       Abigail Breslin delivers a raw, moving performance, assisted by unsettling makeup effects devised by Michael Broom, Karri Farris and other talented artists. The Oscar nominee takes it as seriously as something like My Sister’s Keeper, and the turmoil within Maggie as the zombie virus tightens its grip on her is sufficiently moving. She persists in trying to live as regular a life as possible, one of the film’s best scenes set during a campfire as Maggie hangs out with her friends, clinging to whatever normalcy remains in her existence. Joely Richardson’s turn as Maggie’s stepmother Caroline is realistic, never overplaying the implication that her attitude towards Maggie’s condition differs from Wade’s because Maggie isn’t her biological daughter. That all three are believable as a family unit is testament to the level of acting skill everyone brings to the table.

            Maggie is a bold little experiment and its mashup of genres sometimes yields results, but it is ultimately less absorbing than it could’ve been. This reviewer spent much of the running time wondering “is this a horror movie that’s trying to be a drama or is this a drama with elements of horror stirred in?” This indicates that the seams are still visible. However, we’d still recommend this for horror aficionados looking for a change of pace from the usual frenzied jump scare festivals and perhaps as a gateway for audiences who aren’t big horror buffs and prefer more substantial fare.

Summary: A zombie flick that cries “heart” rather than “BRAINS!”, Maggie has its shortcomings but is worth noticing for its uniqueness.

RATING: 3 out of 5 Stars

Jedd Jong 

The Expendables 3

THE EXPENDABLES 3

Director : Patrick Hughes
Cast : Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Antonio Banderas, Jet Li, Wesley Snipes, Dolph Lundgren, Kelsey Grammer, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Kellan Lutz, Ronda Rousey, Glen Powell, Victor Ortiz, Robert Davi, Mel Gibson, Harrison Ford, Arnold Schwarzenegger
Genre : Action/Thriller
Opens : 14 August 2014
Rating : PG13 (Violence & Some Coarse Language)
Running time: 126 mins

 “If you’re looking to get the job done/ Be it murder or rescuing ladies/ You cannot do better than old guys/ Who were popular back in the 80s…” so go the lyrics to comedians Jon and Al Kaplan’s musical spoof of The Expendables. Those grizzled guys are back with some young blood to add to the crew. Barney Ross (Stallone), Gunner Jensen (Lundgren), Lee Christmas (Stallone), Toll Road (Couture) and Hail Caesar (Crews) break old team-member Doctor Death (Snipes) out of prison. In the ensuing mission, they encounter Conrad Stonebanks (Gibson), a former Expendable-turned weapons and dealer and war criminal, hitherto thought of as dead. Barney brings in a younger bunch of mercenaries (Lutz, Rousey, Powell, Ortiz), with Spanish Armed Forces veteran Galgo (Banderas) insistent on joining. He is also assisted by Trench (Schwarzenegger), Yin Yang (Li) and Major Max Drummer (Ford), going up against the army Stonebanks has in his pocket.

This entire film series exists as a loving ode to 80s action films, featuring those who starred in said films proving they’ve still got the right stuff. As such, there was something of an outcry over this movie’s PG-13 rating – as the Kaplans put it later on in their song, “PG-13 is for pussies”. This reviewer wasn’t too bothered by that – while bloodless, the body count in this one is still very high. Also, the one f-bomb is given to just the right actor. No, this movie’s problems lie elsewhere. Succeeding Stallone and Simon West at the helm is Australian director Patrick Hughes, known for his neo-Western Red Hill. His direction here is mostly rote and journeyman-like; while competent, the action sequences lack flair or drive. There is a curious dearth of urgency or intensity in this action-thriller, even when an actual ticking bomb is introduced. It’s not like there isn’t a lot of shooting, punching or stuff blowing up, but the film often feels like it’s spinning its wheels, going nowhere fast.

            Why do action film junkies go to the Expendables movies? To relive the glory days of their cinematic heroes. As such, anytime the “Young Expendables” are onscreen, this reviewer was counting the minutes to when the actual Expendables – you know, the guys we came to see – would return. Even without Kellan Lutz, Ronda Rousey, Glen Powell and Victor Ortiz, the roster is already pretty crowded. There’s no time for us to get to know anyone and in place of characterisation, there’s bickering, mutual ribbing and general macho bro-ey-ness. We’re not expecting Chekhov or Mamet but just give us something to hang on to! The action sequences are fine, they aren’t infested with shaky-cam as most contemporaneous action sequences tend to be, but the sub-par visual effects work is carried over from the last two films. If it’s meant to evoke the cheap look of 80s action movies, then that’s the wrong nostalgia bone to tickle.

            The film is at its best when it goes for nostalgia in the right way, with its stars winking and nodding at the audience via references to their past work. Snipes’ character loves blades and jokes about being jailed for tax evasion. Schwarzenegger gets to say “get to the choppa!” Kelsey Grammer’s character makes a crack about ex-wives. However, in-jokes alone do not a good movie make. In spite of the humour, this go-round just seems a whole lot less fun. Indeed, Stallone often looks as though he’s grimacing through a heavy, dead-serious thriller. Nothing in this one matches Chuck Norris spouting his own “Chuck Norris fact” in the second film. Also, Harrison Ford does not say “get off my plane”. That’s a missed opportunity right there.

Mel Gibson is apparently paying penance for his myriad indiscretions by appearing in genre schlock like this and last year’s Machete Kills. He does go crazy-eyed Mad Mel but fails to be as memorable a baddie as Jean-Claude Van Damme was. Somewhere between the writing and direction, the potential for Conrad Stonebanks to be a spectacular bad guy is lost. Jet Li doesn’t bust a single kung fu move. What’s up with that? And yes, Ronda Rousey is a badass UFC champion, but this film is yet another example of “The Smurfette principle”, with one lone woman among a bunch of guys. Where are Linda Hamilton, Sigourney Weaver and Michelle Yeoh?

      
      A good chunk of the film seems to exist as a rather petty raised middle finger to Bruce Willis, with whom Stallone had a falling out with over the former’s salary. It’s a good thing then that Harrison Ford is an upgrade and seeing him chew Stallone out earlier in the film is as exciting as the biggest action scenes are. “I haven’t had so much fun in years,” he says. We almost believe him. Antonio Banderas as the talkative comic relief – that’s an odd choice, but he’s still fairly entertaining. The Expendables 3 never amounts to more than the sum of its parts and even when Kellan Lutz’s stunt double jumps a motorcycle off the tail of a crashed helicopter, it falls short of effectively harkening back to the 80s action films it wants to homage.

Summary: There’s less vim and vigour in this third go-round for Stallone and co. and worse, they have to jostle for screen time with those meddling kids.

RATING: 2.5 out of 5 Stars

Jedd Jong

Sabotage

For F*** Magazine

SABOTAGE

Director: David Ayer
Cast:         Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sam Worthington, Mireille Enos, Olivia Williams, Joe Manganiello, Terrence Howard, Josh Holloway, Harold Perrineau, Max Martini, Gary Grubbs
Genre: Action, Thriller
Run Time: 109 mins
Opens: 10 April 2014
Rating: TBA

As per his oft-quoted promise, the Governator is back from politics and on the silver screen, in a film that promises to be tougher and grimier than either The Last Stand or Escape Plan. In this film based very loosely on Agatha Christie’s novel And Then There Were None, Schwarzenegger plays John “Breacher” Wharton, the grizzled leader of an elite DEA squad. The motley crew includes Monster (Worthington), Grinder (Manganiello), Sugar (Howard), Neck (Holloway) and Pyro (Martini) – nobody has an un-silly nickname, except perhaps Lizzy (Enos), who’s also Monster’s wife. After a bust goes awry, the team members are picked off one by one in gruesome fashion. FBI agents Caroline Brentwood (Williams) and Darius Jackson (Perrineau) are sent in to investigate, all signs pointing to the mastermind being someone in Breacher’s circle.

Action movie junkies have bemoaned the lack of truly great American action movies as of late, citing the homogenisation that results from every film having to be rated PG-13 to pull in the crowds, having less bite to them because of it. Sabotage pulls no punches when it comes to the violence – it seems like somebody was having a 2-for-1 sale on blood packs. The action is visceral and bereft of noticeable digital enhancement. But make no mistake: Sabotage is far from a “great American action movie”. Chaotic, mean-spirited, dumb and deafening, it pummels the audience into submission. Director David Ayer, who has carved a niche making gritty cop thrillers, gives Sabotage some of the documentary-like style he’s become known for, but the script that he co-wrote with Skip Woods is heavy on the insipid tough guy dialogue and light on wit and invention. This should be no surprise, seeing as Woods had a hand in penning the likes of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, A Good Day to Die Hard and Swordfish.



Watching the team in this film at work just really made this reviewer miss the guys who followed Dutch into the jungle in Predator. Practically everyone in Breacher’s squad is a jerk, chugging beers, hanging out at strip clubs - they’re just not really interesting, let alone endearing. It’s impossible to buy the group as a well-oiled machine who have been operating as a unit for some time, since they’re always at each other’s throats, and not in an amusingly dysfunctional way either. Now, of course it would be boring if everyone just got along, but if it seems like nobody has anyone else’s back, the audience is hard-pressed to give a damn when each team member starts biting it. As a result, this whodunit soon gets increasingly tiresome, instead of increasingly absorbing.

Schwarzenegger does make for a convincing team leader, worn, grizzled and serious. Thankfully, he doesn’t do a whole lot of referencing his status as a pop culture icon. It seems contemporary moviegoers regard Schwarzenegger as not much more than a punch-line, a fount of cheesy one-liners and a relic of the over-the-top 80s. It’s a bit of pity as his acting is not bad at all here.

The supporting cast isn’t remarkable but for what it’s worth, it’s cool that there are two Terminators on the same team (the other being Sam Worthington). Worthington has a reputation as a wooden, cookie-cutter action hero, but he’s competent as the only guy in the team with his head screwed on right. The distracting “ponytail beard” hanging from his chin does snatch a good deal of the credibility away, though. Mireille Enos spends most of the film being quite annoying, though it’s probably more the script’s fault than it is hers. She’s the lone girl on the crew has to constantly prove she can stand among the boys. How original and empowering. Olivia Williams fares only slightly better, her no-nonsense investigator being a character we’ve also seen a million times.

The film’s attempts at humour are cringe-worthy and oddly scatological. The team squirms as they wade through a sewer, and there are two random agents tasked with monitoring Breacher who have an extended conversation about peeing into a bottle. Yes, of course there are shootouts and car chases, and while the action scenes don’t feel overly staged, they also lack creativity and style, little more than flurries of bullet hits and gratuitous blood spatter (that poor cyclist on the windscreen). Pointlessly cruel instead of shocking or impactful, Sabotage has even less substance than your average spectacle-filled summer blockbuster, Schwarzenegger’s stoic turn its sole saving grace.

SUMMARY: We used to have at least a few brain cells. We watched Sabotage, and then there were none.

RATING: 2 out of 5 Stars

Jedd Jong

Men of Geri-Action

As published in Issue #50 of F*** Magazine

MEN OF GERI-ACTION

TOP TEN SENIORS WHO CAN KICK YOUR ASS
By Jedd Jong 15/2/14

Liam Neeson, he of the particular set of skills, displays his tough guy prowess once more in action flick Non-Stop. He’s 61. Kevin Costner seems to be following in Neeson’s footsteps in 3 Days to Kill; he’s 59. It turns out that they’re far from the only action heroes who aren’t quite spring chickens to have blazed a trail of bullets and fisticuffs across the silver screen. F*** takes a look at ten such “badass grandpas”. Respect your elders or face their wrath!

SEAN CONNERY

Born: 1930

58 in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)

65 in The Rock (1996)

68 in Entrapment (1999)

72 in The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)

The original cinematic James Bond is the epitome of rough-and-tumble charm, a sexy Scotsman who only got more badass with age. Connery’s filmography is peppered with memorable parts and he made an oh-so-smooth transition from manly heartthrob to wise, seasoned mentor types. He played Indiana Jones’ dad (despite being only 12 years older than Harrison Ford) but turned down the chance to reprise the role in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull because “retirement ish jusht too damned much fun.” He got all the best lines in The Rock as a legendary former spy and the last man to escape from Alcatraz and he wooed Catherine Zeta-Jones, 39 years his junior, as a debonair gentleman thief in Entrapment. He had a miserable time filming the mediocre The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (“It wash a nightmare”) but was still as cool as ever as legendary adventurer Allan Quatermain. And oh, he almost got the parts of Morpheus in the Matrix films and Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings saga, but declined as he “didn’t undershtand the shcript.”

CHUCK NORRIS

Born: 1940

58 in Logan’s War: Bound by Honour (1998)

60 in The President’s Men (2000)

65 in Walker: Texas Ranger: Trial By Fire (2005)

72 in The Expendables 2 (2012)

Martial artist, actor and former Air Force serviceman Carlos Ray “Chuck” Norris became popular during the martial arts movie boom of the 70s, famously sharing the screen with (and getting defeated by) Bruce Lee in 1972’s Way of the Dragon. Norris created the martial art form Chun Kuk Do and has mostly starred in low-mid budget action vehicles, becoming a favourite of B-movie production house Cannon Group in the 80s. Many of his films were directed by his brother Aaron and were roundly mediocre straight-to-video or made-for-television affairs. He was also the star of Walker: Texas Ranger, which ran on TV from 1993 to 2001. Of course, the resurgence in Norris’ popularity can mostly be chalked up to “Chuck Norris facts”, satirical factoids attributing superhuman feats to the action star. These first started popping up on the internet in 2005, and Norris himself eventually acknowledged the meme onscreen in The Expendables 2 – R.I.P., unsuspecting cobra who bit Chuck Norris. Norris is also a devout Christian and his objection to the swearing in the screenplay almost resulted in a PG-13 rating for The Expendables 2, which was eventually rated R for its violence. Norris still got his way though – of about 100 uses of the f-bomb in the script, only one made it into the movie.

CLINT EASTWOOD

Born: 1930

61 in Unforgiven (1992)

62 in In the Line of Fire (1993)

66 in Absolute Power (1997)

69 in Space Cowboys (2000)

77 in Gran Torino (2008)

He’s the man with no name, the cop with the .44 Magnum, the greatest enemy of empty chairs everywhere: he’s Clint Eastwood, enduring cultural icon, the gold standard of masculinity and a talented, respected filmmaker in his own right. In 1958, Eastwood took on the lead role in the Western TV series Rawhide, but he truly made his mark in Sergio Leone’s 1964 classic, A Fistful of Dollars. Two more films followed in the spaghetti Western trilogy, capped off with The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. In the 1970s, Eastwood’s career soared, as he took on the role of Dirty Harry – and made his directorial debut with 1971’s Play Misty for Me. Eastwood is arguably one of the most successful actors-turned-directors, winning Best Director Oscars for Unforgiven and Million Dollar Baby. Unforgiven, in which Eastwood played a former bandit who reluctantly returns to his old ways to pay off his farm, probably marked the point at which Eastwood cemented his position as “badass grandpa”. Like Connery, Eastwood had no trouble with the ladies, romancing Rene Russo (24 years his junior) in In the Line of Fire. He’s got a softer side too, co-composing the soundtracks for most of his films, but when he says “get off my lawn”, you can bet he means it.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Born: 1937

60 in Hard Rain (1998)

68 in Edison Force (2006)

70 in Wanted (2008)

72 in RED (2010)

73 in Oblivion (2013)

He’s the man with the dulcet voice, the go-to narrator who’ll make anything from penguin migrations to the failing war on drugs sound suitably epic. Freeman has carved out a career niche as the all-knowing mentor figure with a twinkle in his eye and while he isn’t the first name that comes to mind when one thinks “action hero”, he’s done more than his fair share of butt-kicking. “Maybe I just gravitate towards gravitas,” he once said. He’s driven Miss Daisy and he’s played God and has also appeared in various action films where he doesn’t get to do much shooting or running (the Dark Knight trilogy, Olympus Has Fallen and Unleashed come to mind). That said, he’s played an armoured truck thief caught in the mother of all thunderstorms, was the coolly vicious head of a cabal of assassins, was an ex-CIA agent labelled “retired: extremely dangerous” and was the leader of a small group of human survivors on a post-apocalyptic earth. And he uttered what is probably the greatest Oscar-related quote ever: “Is there a movie I think I should have won the Oscar for? Yeah. All of them." He’s had his “senior moments”, memorably catching some shut-eye during an interview for Now You See Me, but you can bet that we all get shivers when he yells “shoot this mother**ker!”

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Born: 1946

59 in Rocky Balboa (2006)

61 in Rambo (2008)

63 in The Expendables (2010)

65 in The Expendables 2 (2012)

66 in Bullet to the Head (2013)

66 in Escape Plan (2013)

The Italian Stallion skyrocketed to stardom with 1976’s Rocky, which won Best Picture at the Oscars and garnered Stallone Best Original Screenplay and Best Actor Oscar nominations. However, Stallone wasn’t destined to become a feted method-acting star of prestige pictures, but to become an action hero – which is fine by us. After a string of ho-hum action flicks, Stallone proved he had some fight in him yet when he returned to his two most iconic roles, that of Rocky Balboa and John Rambo, in 2006 and 2008 respectively, also directing both films. 2010 saw the release of the first instalment in Stallone’s nostalgia-driven Expendables franchise, an exercise in getting the gang back together. Witnessing the likes of Stallone, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, Terry Crews, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger et al sharing the screen was a thrill for fans of old-school action flicks everywhere. 2012’s The Expendables 2 added the afore-mentioned Chuck Norris to the roster and had Jean-Claude Van Damme pulling villain duty. This year, The Expendables 3 will hit screens, boasting a bigger line-up than ever, with Wesley Snipes, Antonio Banderas and Harrison Ford joining the crew, up against Mel Gibson and Robert Davi as villains. Next to his hand and footprints in the forecourt of the Chinese Theatre in L.A., Stallone wrote “keep punching, America!” and with those ever-bulging biceps, he’s certainly taken his own advice to heart.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Born: 1947

64 in The Expendables 2 (2012)

65 in The Last Stand (2013)

65 in Escape Plan (2013)

66 in Sabotage (2014)

66 in The Expendables 3 (2014)

You know we couldn’t put Sylvester Stallone on the list without giving a tip of the hat to his rival-turned-best-bud Arnold Schwarzenegger. The bodybuilder/politician/actor is arguably even more of a larger-than-life figure than Stallone is. After all, he’s left an indelible impact on popular culture with roles like John Matrix, Dutch Schaefer, Conan the Barbarian and the Terminator, his endless string of quotable one liners, impressive feats of strength, willingness to (often awkwardly) dabble in comedy and the wonder of seeing political commentators say the words “Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger” with a straight face. Most moviegoers readily forgave him for his personal transgressions that made the news when Schwarzenegger left office and leapt back into movies, which is testament to his enduring popularity. His cameo in the first Expendables film was a taste of things to come, and he was given more screen time in the second outing. Plus, 2013 saw Schwarzenegger and Stallone get a proper team-up movie in the form of Escape Plan. He’s not slowing down this year, with action-thriller Sabotage hitting theatres soon and the third Expendables film following that. Schwarzenegger certainly wasn’t lying when he promised “I’ll be back” – rare for a politician!

HARRISON FORD

Born: 1942

59 in K-19: The Widowmaker (2002)

63 in Firewall (2006)

65 in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

68 in Cowboys and Aliens (2011)

71 in The Expendables 3 (2014)

With two iconic roles in blockbuster franchises to his name, Harrison Ford is one of the biggest movie stars of his generation. The carpenter-turned-actor is both the charming rogue space pirate (who shoots first) and the adventurer archaeologist who favours a whip and a revolver over a trowel. In addition to those landmark genre parts, Ford is a respectable actor in his own right, snagging an Oscar nomination for Witness. Ford is a badass grandpa in real life and not just in the movies, too. An avid aviation enthusiast, he assisted Teton County, Wyoming authorities on two helicopter rescue missions in his Bell 407. No word on whether he has ever said “GET OFF MY PLANE!” in real life. Ford has built a reputation as something of a curmudgeon, due to the wariness with which he regards overzealous Star Wars and Indiana Jones fans. “Am I grumpy? I might be. But I think maybe sometimes it's misinterpreted,” he said. Ford also angrily confronted Indonesian forestry minister Zulkifi Hasan while making a documentary on climate change. Besides a likely return to the Han Solo role for Star Wars Episode VII, Ford will join the Expendables 3 line-up, replacing Bruce Willis (with whom Sylvester Stallone had a falling out over Willis’ pay). Everyone probably agrees that it’s an upgrade.

JEFF BRIDGES

Born: 1949

58 in Iron Man (2008)

60 in Tron Legacy (2010)

60 in True Grit (2010)

63 in R.I.P.D. (2013)

63 in Seventh Son (release delayed to 2015)

Jeff Bridges has been acting for over five decades, coming from a family of actors including father Lloyd, mother Dorothy and brother Beau. To get an idea of the scope of his career, take a gander at this factoid: at 22, Bridges became one of the youngest actors ever nominated for an Oscar, for The Last Picture Show. And at age 60, he became one of the oldest actors to win, taking home Best Actor for Crazy Heart. His most famous role is probably that of Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski in the Coen Brothers’ cult favourite comedy The Big Lebowski, and traces of the Dude can be found in most of his performances since. Bridges suited up as the supervillain Obadiah Stane/Iron Monger, taking on Robert Downey, Jr.’s Tony Stark in Iron Man. He revisited the role of Kevin Flynn from 1982’s Tron in the 2010 sequel Tron: Legacy. By way of visual effects wizardry, Bridges also played Flynn’s physically younger doppelganger Clu. He reunited with the Coen Brothers for the remake of True Grit, taking on the Rooster Cogburn role famously inhabited by the Duke himself, John Wayne. Bridges played a trigger-happy cowboy again in R.I.P.D. (it was a hammier performance). Bridges has completed filming the fantasy action flick Seventh Son, in which he plays a powerful wizard.  The film has been delayed multiple times and will eventually be released in February 2015. Married to his wife Susan for 36 years, Bridges had this to say, “Sticking with a marriage. That's true grit, man.”

CHARLES BRONSON

Born: 1921

63 in Death Wish 3 (1985)

65 in Death Wish 4: The Crackdown (1987)

66 in Messenger of Death (1988)

71 in The Sea Wolf (1993)

72 in Death Wish V: The Face of Death (1994)

The late Charles Dennis Buchinsky, better known as Charles Bronson, is a bona fide old-school cinematic tough guy, famously describing his appearance as “like a quarry someone has dynamited”. When he died in 2003 at the age of 81, Bronson had left behind a legacy of silver screen badassery in an array of Westerns, war movies and, of course, revenge flicks. Bronson served in the U.S. Army Air Forces in the Second World War and received a purple heart. A memorable early appearance was in the horror flick House of Wax (no, not the one with Paris Hilton. The original!) as the silent henchman to Vincent Price’s sculptor/serial killer. He hit the big time with war movies The Great Escape and The Dirty Dozen, but truly became an icon with the role of vigilante Paul Kersey in the Death Wish films. “Audiences like to see the bad guys get their comeuppance,” Bronson said and boy, Kersey sure gave it to them. Bronson would play the architect-turned-gun-toting-avenger in four more films. Like Chuck Norris, Bronson starred in many low-budget movies for Cannon Films. The notorious British prisoner and bare-knuckle fighter Michael Peterson changed his name to “Charles Bronson” on the advice of his fight promoter, in spite of Peterson having never seen a Charles Bronson movie.

DANNY TREJO

Born: 1944

58 in Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003)

65 in Machete (2010)

67 in Bad Ass (2012)

68 in Dead in Tombstone (2013)

68 in Machete Kills (2013)

With over 250 movie and TV roles to his name, Danny Trejo is undoubtedly a B-movie icon, and the guy just keeps trucking. Tough, grizzled and unfazed, Trejo isn’t just putting on a tough guy façade for the camera: he was a teenage drug addict, bank robber and convict before turning over a new leaf as a drug counsellor – in fact, that’s how he got his first acting role in Runaway Train, counselling a kid working on the film when he was approached to be an extra. “I just totally got hooked. I found my calling…For the first half of my life, I went to prison for being a bad guy. Now they’re paying me to be a bad guy,” Trejo said. After years of playing bit parts, Trejo took the title role in Machete, continuing his long-time collaboration with director (and second cousin) Robert Rodriguez. Machete had its origins as a mock-trailer in the throwback exploitation double bill Grindhouse, and it played on Trejo’s image as a violent, nigh-superhuman Federale agent, gifted with the bladed weapon that is his namesake. He has seven films coming out in 2014, ranging from Muppets Most Wanted to vigilante thriller Bullet. Rodriguez has said that he views Danny Trejo as something of a Mexican Charles Bronson and he certainly wouldn’t be too far off.