The Expendables 3

THE EXPENDABLES 3

Director : Patrick Hughes
Cast : Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Antonio Banderas, Jet Li, Wesley Snipes, Dolph Lundgren, Kelsey Grammer, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Kellan Lutz, Ronda Rousey, Glen Powell, Victor Ortiz, Robert Davi, Mel Gibson, Harrison Ford, Arnold Schwarzenegger
Genre : Action/Thriller
Opens : 14 August 2014
Rating : PG13 (Violence & Some Coarse Language)
Running time: 126 mins

 “If you’re looking to get the job done/ Be it murder or rescuing ladies/ You cannot do better than old guys/ Who were popular back in the 80s…” so go the lyrics to comedians Jon and Al Kaplan’s musical spoof of The Expendables. Those grizzled guys are back with some young blood to add to the crew. Barney Ross (Stallone), Gunner Jensen (Lundgren), Lee Christmas (Stallone), Toll Road (Couture) and Hail Caesar (Crews) break old team-member Doctor Death (Snipes) out of prison. In the ensuing mission, they encounter Conrad Stonebanks (Gibson), a former Expendable-turned weapons and dealer and war criminal, hitherto thought of as dead. Barney brings in a younger bunch of mercenaries (Lutz, Rousey, Powell, Ortiz), with Spanish Armed Forces veteran Galgo (Banderas) insistent on joining. He is also assisted by Trench (Schwarzenegger), Yin Yang (Li) and Major Max Drummer (Ford), going up against the army Stonebanks has in his pocket.

This entire film series exists as a loving ode to 80s action films, featuring those who starred in said films proving they’ve still got the right stuff. As such, there was something of an outcry over this movie’s PG-13 rating – as the Kaplans put it later on in their song, “PG-13 is for pussies”. This reviewer wasn’t too bothered by that – while bloodless, the body count in this one is still very high. Also, the one f-bomb is given to just the right actor. No, this movie’s problems lie elsewhere. Succeeding Stallone and Simon West at the helm is Australian director Patrick Hughes, known for his neo-Western Red Hill. His direction here is mostly rote and journeyman-like; while competent, the action sequences lack flair or drive. There is a curious dearth of urgency or intensity in this action-thriller, even when an actual ticking bomb is introduced. It’s not like there isn’t a lot of shooting, punching or stuff blowing up, but the film often feels like it’s spinning its wheels, going nowhere fast.

            Why do action film junkies go to the Expendables movies? To relive the glory days of their cinematic heroes. As such, anytime the “Young Expendables” are onscreen, this reviewer was counting the minutes to when the actual Expendables – you know, the guys we came to see – would return. Even without Kellan Lutz, Ronda Rousey, Glen Powell and Victor Ortiz, the roster is already pretty crowded. There’s no time for us to get to know anyone and in place of characterisation, there’s bickering, mutual ribbing and general macho bro-ey-ness. We’re not expecting Chekhov or Mamet but just give us something to hang on to! The action sequences are fine, they aren’t infested with shaky-cam as most contemporaneous action sequences tend to be, but the sub-par visual effects work is carried over from the last two films. If it’s meant to evoke the cheap look of 80s action movies, then that’s the wrong nostalgia bone to tickle.

            The film is at its best when it goes for nostalgia in the right way, with its stars winking and nodding at the audience via references to their past work. Snipes’ character loves blades and jokes about being jailed for tax evasion. Schwarzenegger gets to say “get to the choppa!” Kelsey Grammer’s character makes a crack about ex-wives. However, in-jokes alone do not a good movie make. In spite of the humour, this go-round just seems a whole lot less fun. Indeed, Stallone often looks as though he’s grimacing through a heavy, dead-serious thriller. Nothing in this one matches Chuck Norris spouting his own “Chuck Norris fact” in the second film. Also, Harrison Ford does not say “get off my plane”. That’s a missed opportunity right there.

Mel Gibson is apparently paying penance for his myriad indiscretions by appearing in genre schlock like this and last year’s Machete Kills. He does go crazy-eyed Mad Mel but fails to be as memorable a baddie as Jean-Claude Van Damme was. Somewhere between the writing and direction, the potential for Conrad Stonebanks to be a spectacular bad guy is lost. Jet Li doesn’t bust a single kung fu move. What’s up with that? And yes, Ronda Rousey is a badass UFC champion, but this film is yet another example of “The Smurfette principle”, with one lone woman among a bunch of guys. Where are Linda Hamilton, Sigourney Weaver and Michelle Yeoh?

      
      A good chunk of the film seems to exist as a rather petty raised middle finger to Bruce Willis, with whom Stallone had a falling out with over the former’s salary. It’s a good thing then that Harrison Ford is an upgrade and seeing him chew Stallone out earlier in the film is as exciting as the biggest action scenes are. “I haven’t had so much fun in years,” he says. We almost believe him. Antonio Banderas as the talkative comic relief – that’s an odd choice, but he’s still fairly entertaining. The Expendables 3 never amounts to more than the sum of its parts and even when Kellan Lutz’s stunt double jumps a motorcycle off the tail of a crashed helicopter, it falls short of effectively harkening back to the 80s action films it wants to homage.

Summary: There’s less vim and vigour in this third go-round for Stallone and co. and worse, they have to jostle for screen time with those meddling kids.

RATING: 2.5 out of 5 Stars

Jedd Jong

Tarzan

For F*** Magazine

TARZAN

Director: Reinhard Klooss
Cast:  Kellan Lutz, Spencer Locke, Trevor St. John, Les Bubb, Mark Deklin, Jaime Ray Newman, Anton Zetterholm, Brian Bloom, Robert Capron
Genre: Animation, Adventure
Run Time: 95 mins
Opens: 13 March 2014
Rating: PG

You’d think the much-maligned John Carter would have put producers off Edgar Rice Burroughs adaptations but here we are with yet another Tarzan. Updated to a contemporary setting, Tarzan’s parents John (Deklin) and Alice (Newman) Greystoke aren’t marooned but perish in a helicopter crash. Their son, originally named JJ (Craig Garner) survives and is adopted by a family of apes, growing into Tarzan (Lutz), the king of the jungle. He catches a glimpse of the beautiful Jane Porter (Locke) and is immediately smitten. She is the daughter of scientist Jim (Bubb), an associate of Tarzan’s late father. William Clayton (St. John), the evil CEO who has taken over Greystoke Energies in Tarzan’s absence, stages an invasion of the jungle under the pretext of facilitating Jim Porter’s research. Tarzan must save the love of his life, the world he grew up in and defeat the malicious magnate.



This had “dud” written all over it from the word “go”. We’re quite sure nobody is hankering for a new take on Tarzan, let alone one that has “updated” the premise in the most predictable of manners. Of course Clayton is no longer a poacher but a greedy corporation head. Of course there’s a mysterious meteorite that contains a revolutionary energy source, hidden deep in the jungle. It’s eye roll-worthy on many levels. It’s “AvaTarzan”, right down to a Quaritch-esque military leader named Miller (Bloom) and the laughable image of a convoy of about 50 helicopters flying into the jungle. The whole thing is a derivative affair, liberally aping (pardon the pun) Disney’s 1999 Tarzan, but without any of the charm or heart. Also, instead of being an infant at the time of his adoption by ape, Tarzan looks about 7 or 8 (the credits say he’s 4). At no point is it explained how he almost completely forgets about his childhood; the “feral child” aspect rendered fully implausible.

Created using motion capture animation, Tarzan doesn’t look entirely terrible – some of the environments are pretty and the fur simulation on the gorillas is good. But it’s still many steps down from the quality of CGI animation audiences have become used to. After the visual splendour of Tangled, Brave, Wreck-It Ralph, Rise of the Guardians, Frozen et al, it’s hard to be awed by something that looks like it was made a good 15 years ago. Thankfully, the characters don’t possess the eerie, hollow-eyed “uncanny valley” effect we all fear with motion capture animation, but there’s so little nuance in their gestures and expressions that it doesn’t feel like there were flesh and blood actors performing the motion capture. The 3D is okay, with noticeable depth of field throughout and there’s a fun sequence involving lava bombs flying out of a volcano, but there’s also the occasional “ghosting” (double vision) to contend with.



Kellan Lutz can try, but between this, the hilariously bad Legend of Hercules and the Twilight movies, we’re far from convinced he can act. At no point does his Tarzan sound believably tough – when he grunts, it sounds like he’s hacking up a hairball. Spencer Locke’s Jane takes the award for the in-distressiest damsel in recent memory, flailing and yelling for Tarzan to save her on multiple occasions. Their “love at first sight” is given no development and a romantic swim in the lake set to Coldplay’s “Paradise” (really) does not help matters. Almost all the voice acting sounds unnatural, but as a saving grace, the animals don’t talk. Veteran gorilla impersonator Peter Elliot, whose credits include Congo, The Island of Doctor Moreau, Gorillas in the Mist and indeed Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes does the motion capture for the ape leader, so there’s that.

The character of Tarzan is a cultural touchstone but this adds nothing to the mythos, wholly forgettable and unnecessary at every turn. The most undiscerning of young viewers might find this a relatively entertaining diversion and while unpolished, at least it’s not an ugly movie to look at. However, older viewers (especially those attached to earlier incarnations of Tarzan from Johnny Weissmuller’s to Christopher Lambert’s) will want to swing through the vines as far away from this as possible.

Summary: This Tarzan won’t be in your heart, it’ll be in the DVD store bargain bin.

RATING: 2 out of 5 Stars

Jedd Jong

The Legend of Hercules

For F*** Magazine

THE LEGEND OF HERCULES

Director: Renny Harlin
Cast:         Kellan Lutz, Gaia Weiss, Scott Adkins, Roxanne McKee, Liam McIntyre, Rade Serbedzija, Johnathon Schaech, Luke Newberry
Genre: Action, Adventure
Run Time: 100 mins
Opens: 9 January 2014
Rating: PG13 (Violence)

Somewhere in Hollywood exists a fabled well, a fount that has stood for time immemorial. Movie studio executives go to the well to draw “ideas” for new films, and comprising the waters of this spring are stories which have been adapted as many times as there are stars in the sky. Robin Hood, King Arthur, The Three Musketeers, Dracula, Tarzan, Zorro, Alice in Wonderland and of course, Hercules. Later this year, Dwayne Johnson will star in Hercules: The Thracian Wars but first, The Legend of Hercules is unleashed upon the world. Its title is the most inspired thing about it.

It is 1200 B.C. and the tyrannical King Amphitryon (Adkins) is on a spree of conquering neighbouring lands for their wealth. His wife Queen Alcmene (McKee) is aghast at the monster her husband has become and prays to the goddess Hera for someone to take the throne from him. Queen Alcmene is subsequently impregnated by the god Zeus and gives birth to the demigod Hercules, who is named “Alcides” to protect his divine identity. 20 years later, Hercules (Lutz) is in love with the princess Hebe (Weiss), but his conniving mortal half-brother Iphicles (Garrigan) has his sights on her. Amphitryon plots to send Hercules to his death so Iphicles can marry Hebe and ascend the throne. With loyal wingman Sotiris (McIntyre) by his side and with the counsel of the wise Chiron (Serbedzija), Hercules must fight his way back to his kingdom, to his love and to defeat his stepfather and half-brother.



Since cannonballing his career with 1995’s infamous flop Cutthroat Island, director Renny Harlin has never quite recovered, helming such duds as the Sylvester Stallone racing flick Driven, whodunit Mindhunters, supernatural hunk-fest The Covenant and John Cena action vehicle 12 Rounds. With The Legend of Hercules, Harlin doesn’t merely continue his losing streak, he creates an instant classic of the “so bad it’s good” sort. Here we have Clash of the 300 Immortal Spartacii, a film bereft of a single original image or thought, something which makes the re-enactments on the History Channel look high-budget by comparison. Harlin apes the now-tired style popularised by Zack Snyder’s 300, using the ramping effect past the verge of unwitting self-parody. The footage is sloooooweeed dooooowwwwn then spedbackupagain, sloooooweeed dooooowwwwn then spedbackupagain, repeat ad nauseam.



Billed as “the epic origin story of the legend of Hercules”, the film’s delusions of grandeur are frankly adorable. Filmed at the Nu Boyana Film studios in Bulgaria, home to the lowest filmmaking tax rates in Europe, The Legend of Hercules’ production values are of a straight-to-video quality or lower. The Nemean Lion looks like it’s somehow wandered out of a cut-scene from a video game on the PlayStation 2 and the digital matte paintings might as well have been scanned from a storybook. When the Egyptian soldiers clad in Anubis helmets show up, one half expects Arnold Vosloo to pop up and yell “ANCK-SU-NAMUN!” That's to say nothing of the gloriously tin-eared dialogue. Among the many gems are this description of Hercules, as delivered by Hebe: “he’s the reason that I wake up in the morning to embrace the day!” Co-writer Sean Hood is a part-time screenwriting lecturer at the esteemed USC School of Cinematic Arts. Make of that what you will.



Let us preface this paragraph by saying that Kellan Lutz is, by all accounts, a decent guy and this is nothing personal. There’s that out of the way. Our Hercules is the poor man’s Channing Tatum – and here we thought Channing Tatum was the poor man’s Channing Tatum. With his dirty blonde hair, frat boy grin and surfer tan, former Abercrombie and Fitch model Kellan Lutz looks as out of place in the film’s ancient Greek setting as anyone ever has, impressive physique notwithstanding. An alumnus of Summit Entertainment’s most lucrative franchise, Lutz’s attempts at dramatic acting are nothing short of laughable. When Hercules delivers a stock motivational speech to his troops, Lutz renders already-hilarious lines like “tonight we fight, not for what we have, but for that which has been so savagely ripped from our BREASTS!” all the funnier. This guy will stand shoulder-to-shoulder with the likes of Harrison Ford, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Expendables 3. Gulp.



Gaia Weiss spends most of the film looking tired and playing the weeping damsel pining for her knight in shining armour to the point where one almost expects her to be tied to non-existent ancient Greek train tracks by a moustache-twirling villain in a top hat. Roxanne McKee fares slightly better, affecting a Lena Headey impression, but she’s subjected to the “divine impregnation” scene in which billowing curtains and bed sheets symbolise an invisible Zeus as she writhes and moans in supposed ecstasy. Scott Adkins is an impressive martial artist and fighter, yes, but fails to lend any gravitas or true authoritative menace to his portrayal of King Amphitryon. Liam Garrigan plays the spiteful half-brother with an over-the-top sneer and Johnathon Schaech has no idea what accent he’s going for as the leader of the Egyptian soldiers. Rade Serbedzija cashes a paycheck as “the Obi-Wan” and Sam Worthington clone Liam McIntyre only reminds us that Starz’s Spartacus series did all this far better. So much for not getting typecast.



“Every man has a destiny”, this movie’s tagline tells us. So does every movie, and this movie’s destiny is to become a favourite of beer-fuelled riff parties with friends, the kind of gathering where one gets drunk, heckles the movie and tosses popcorn at the screen with wild abandon. To put things into perspective, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys starring Kevin Sorbo is less of a molten fondue cheese-fest than this is. And that was a TV show from the 90s.

SUMMARY: This Hercules doesn’t go the distance, except as a masterpiece of unintentional hilarity.

RATING: 1.5 out of 5 Stars

Jedd Jong