Central Intelligence

For F*** Magazine

CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE

Director : Rawson Marshall Thurber
Cast : Dwayne Johnson, Kevin Hart, Amy Ryan, Aaron Paul, Danielle Nicolet, Thomas Kretschmann
Genre : Action/Comedy
Run Time : 1 hr 54 mins
Opens : 16 June 2016
Rating : PG13 (Some Sexual References and Coarse Language)

Over the past few years, Kevin Hart has become the universal adapter plug of the buddy comedy subgenre, having been paired with the likes of Will Ferrell, Josh Gad and Ice Cube amongst others. This time, Hart is teamed with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. But is just their disparity in physical stature enough to elicit the laughs?

Hart plays Calvin “Golden Jet” Joyner, who in high school, was a popular and highly successful student. Robbie Weirdicht (Johnson) was an overweight social outcast who was relentlessly bullied, and Calvin was the only one who would show him any kindness. 20 years later, Robbie has undergone a complete physical transformation and reinvented himself as “Bob Stone”. Calvin is married to his high school sweetheart Maggie (Nicolet), but is unfulfilled in his accounting career. Robbie and Calvin reunite, but Calvin is informed by CIA agent Pamela Harris (Ryan) that Robbie is in fact a dangerous rogue agency operative wanted for the murder of his former partner. Robbie tries to convince Calvin of his innocence as the two go on the run, trying to stop classified intel from falling into the hands of a mysterious underworld player known as “the Black Badger”.

The thinking behind Central Intelligence seems to have been “just let the two leads loose, that should be plenty to carry a movie.” Much of the would-be comedy is painfully unfunny, and the action is generic and unimpressive. This is far from the first comedy in which a regular Joe is flung into the mix of high-stakes international intrigue, and the plot is painfully perfunctory and the final reveal is a predictable one. There’s an anti-bullying message here, that if you’re picked on by the jocks in high school, all you need to do is transform yourself into Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to get back at them. That should be pretty easy for anyone to do. The prologue features Johnson’s face digitally pasted onto a different actor who portrays the young Robbie; this effect is nestled deep in the uncanny valley and is terrifying rather than funny.

To the movie’s credit, it doesn’t go down the “one’s silly and the other’s stoic” route typical of buddy cop flicks. While Hart does eventually go into shrill, flailing mode, the character is likeable because of the kindness he shows towards the underdog. Johnson does have fun with the Robbie character, who may be all 6’ 5” of hulking muscle, but is the same awkward, socially mal-adjusted kid deep down. The thing is, Johnson is too slick and polished to come across as convincingly dorky. Nicolet’s Maggie is just “the wife” – the plot seems to hint at how marrying one’s high school sweetheart may not be all it’s cracked up to be, but doesn’t really go anywhere. Ryan is certainly far above the material, and phones it in as the comically serious dogged agent hunting down the suspect. Bateman is pretty much wasted as a stock slimy, snivelling banker type, and Paul’s appearance amounts to little more than an extended cameo. Look out for a prominent comedienne in the film's climax.

Central Intelligence has the same problem that most Kevin Hart vehicles have: the producers bank too much on the comedian’s appeal to audiences and everything around him seems to be on autopilot. It’s a wasted opportunity, especially since Hart is paired with a bona fide action hero like Johnson. Instead of a production line comedy with bits of action sprinkled about half-heartedly, it would have been fun to see the duo tear into the conventions of buddy cop and spy movies in a full-tilt action extravaganza fuelled by belly laughs. The film trucks out the hoary dictum of “being yourself” – we’ll bet it’s easy to “be yourself” when you’re Dwayne Johnson. The scenes in which Robbie is wracked with anxiety brought about by the trauma he endured in school did resonate a little with this reviewer, but it never seems sincere enough to be a truly effective message. Sure, it’s sporadically amusing just by dint of putting Hart and Johnson together, but it’s clear that Central Intelligence isn’t aiming for any particular heights and is merely coasting along.

Summary: Sure, the leading men have chemistry, but unremarkable action sequences and jokes that are more cringe-inducing than genuinely funny ensure this won’t be front and centre in most moviegoers’ memories after they leave the theatre.

RATING: 2 out of 5 Stars

Jedd Jong

Mr. Right

For F*** Magazine

MR. RIGHT 

Director : Paco Cabezas
Cast : Sam Rockwell, Anna Kendrick, Tim Roth, RZA, James Ransone, Anson Mount, Michael Eklund, Katie Nehra
Genre : Action/Comedy
Run Time : 95 mins
Opens : 21 April 2016
Rating : M18 (Coarse Language And Violence)

From Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Gigli to Killers and Please Kill Mr. Know-It-All, ‘hitman screwball comedies’ could be a subgenre unto its own, albeit one that hasn’t exactly yielded works of outstanding quality. The latest entry in this quirky bunch is Mr. Right, starring Sam Rockwell as the title character. Mr. Right is a loopy but scarily efficient contract killer, who, abiding by a twisted morality, has decided to turn the tables on those who hire him by killing them instead of the intended targets. He runs into Martha (Kendrick), a young woman still hurting after a bad breakup with her cheating boyfriend. The duo develop a fondness for each other and Mr. Right is ready to give up his unsavoury career to be with her. Unfortunately, his mentor-turned-nemesis Hopper (Roth) is on his tail, and Mr. Right also finds himself embroiled in a gang power struggle between brothers Richie (Mount) and Von (Ransone). Martha must ask herself this: “is it a deal-breaker if people are constantly shooting at my boyfriend, and that he’s shooting back?”

            Mr. Right is directed by Paco Cabezas, from a screenplay by Max Landis. Landis has quickly become one of the hottest screenwriters in Hollywood, with his scripts for Chronicle, American Ultra and Victor Frankenstein getting produced in quick succession with several more high-profile projects to follow. More jaded industry watchers (i.e. most of them) will attribute Landis’ success to the fact that his father is director John Landis. The younger Landis has displayed a markedly unlikeable attitude in interviews and social media interactions, so it’s no surprise that Mr. Right is glib and smug the whole way through. The action-romantic-comedy is aiming to be edgy and subversive, but is bogged down by clichés from both the action and the rom-com genres from the get-go: we counted at least three pop songs in the opening 10 minutes. There’s a nervous energy and some of the jokes do land, but the complete lack of sincerity makes it hard to connect to.

            Both Rockwell and Kendrick are immensely watchable actors and on the surface, it would seem Mr. Right plays to both their respective strengths and yet, it isn’t the best use of their talents. The set-up of a relatively normal gal falling for an enigmatic, dangerous assassin doesn’t take hold because both Martha and Mr. Right come off as over-the-top caricatures. Kendrick turns the adorkable hyperactive cutie thing up to 11, which is overwhelming rather than endearing. Rockwell has the unique ability to be simultaneously slimy and charming, but at the end of the day, we’re supposed to root for the couple to be together, instead of merely cocking our heads at their off-kilter chemistry. The aim is apparently for a less abusive Joker-and-Harley-Quinn-esque relationship to blossom, and while it’s obvious that the filmmakers want to steer clear of a standard rom-com progression, Martha and Mr. Right’s romance still unfolds in a predictable general pattern.

            As the main antagonist, Roth is pretty entertaining, putting on a goofy Alabama accent when his character is in disguise as an FBI agent. There’s meant to be an extensive personal history between Hopper and Mr. Right and to the film’s credit, there isn’t a lengthy exposition scene where said history is spelled out to the audience. However, their contentious relationship over the years doesn’t get satisfactorily fleshed out; their big confrontation nowhere near as explosive as it should be. The mobsters, with their Jersey drawls, slicked-back hair and patent leather jackets, are generally too goofy to be truly threatening. The big surprise here is RZA as beleaguered hitman Steve, who finds himself stuck with a rickety old shotgun while the other guys get automatic weapons. RZA is one of those rappers who also fancies himself an actor, the results thus far ranging from dull to laughable. He actually has considerable charisma here.

            Mr. Right has its moments when the cynical humour and slick action click into place, but for the most part, it is stuck feeling firmly like the work of people who are way too pleased with themselves for their own good. Because of its undercurrent of flippancy, which often mutates into an overcurrent, there’s not very much to grab onto. The in-your-face silliness might be viewed as some to an antidote for the po-faced action thrillers that are the norm now, but Mr. Right doesn’t earn our suspension of disbelief. Those in search of a satisfying, sure-footed action-comedy won’t find their match in Mr. Right.

Summary: Despite its quirky, charming leads, Mr. Right’s indulgent, misplaced sense of nihilistic irony quickly becomes unbearable.

RATING: 2 out of 5 Stars

Jedd Jong 

The Brothers Grimsby

For F*** Magazine

THE BROTHERS GRIMSBY

Director : Louis Letterier
Cast : Sacha Baron Cohen, Mark Strong, Isla Fisher, Penélope Cruz, Ian McShane, Scott Adkins, Annabelle Wallis, Gabourey Sidibe
Genre : Comedy
Run Time : 82 mins
Opens : 10 March 2016
Rating : R21 (Sexual Humour)

Sacha Baron Cohen asks the question: “what if James Bond had an idiot brother who kept getting in his way?” Baron Cohen plays Norman “Nobby” Butcher, a ne’er-do-well football hooligan from the English town of Grimsby with a wife (Wilson) and 11 children. Nobby has spent 28 years searching for his long-lost brother Sebastian (Strong); they were separated as children when Sebastian was adopted by a wealthy family. Sebastian is now an elite secret agent with the Tiger’s Tail, an offshoot of MI6. The brothers finally reunite, but it’s under less-than-ideal circumstances as Nobby bungles Sebastian’s latest mission. When Sebastian is accused of a crime he didn’t commit and branded a rogue agent, he can only count on analyst Jodie (Fisher) and is forced to trust his irresponsible, dim-witted brother Nobby. The crime syndicate Maelstrom is out to assassinate philanthropist Rhonda George (Cruz) and it’s up to the super-spy and his not-so-super brother to foil the plot.

            The film is released in the U.S. as The Brothers Grimsby but is originally titled Grimsby. There’s a cultural specificity to a lot of the humour and there are broad stereotypes of working-class English folk aplenty. Baron Cohen, never known for playing it safe, also revels in exceptionally crass gross-out humour, several comedic set-pieces boasting jaw-dropping levels of wince-inducing crudeness. Baron Cohen’s subversive brand of comedy can often come off as mean, and the “gotcha!” humour of Borat or Brüno often comes at the expense of well-meaning bystanders.

Weirdly enough, The Brothers Grimsby doesn’t feel as mean-spirited as other Baron Cohen works. It’s an assault on good taste in general, more than any demographic in particular. That said, the residents of the real-life Grimsby have understandably taken umbrage with the film’s portrayal of their town as violent and litter-strewn. The jokes about sexual assault, AIDS and gun violence might be uncomfortable to more sensitive viewers, but it’s a Sacha Baron Cohen enterprise after all and he’s all about dancing on toes. The sentimental through-line of a brotherly bond is meant to be sappy on purpose, but it works as a fine counterpoint to the over-the-top jokes and a tiny bit of genuine sweetness does come through.

 Louis Letterier, a graduate of Luc Besson’s stable of directors, has mostly helmed also-rans action flicks such as The Transporter, The Incredible Hulk and Clash of the Titans (2010). He brings a Hollywood slickness to The Brothers Grimsby and there’s even some globe-trotting involved, with our heroes travelling to South Africa and Chile. Letterier employs the gimmick of having the action scenes be viewed from a first person perspective, by way of footage captured by Agent Sebastian Graives’ high-tech contact lens. Unfortunately, a lot of the fight sequences are choppy, with an excessive use of shaky-cam and quick cutting.

Baron Cohen might be front and centre, and he’s believable as a dumb, uncouth football hooligan who really has a heart of gold, but the casting coup here is Strong. With his intimidating stature, intimidating voice, intimidating face, intimidating everything really, Strong is not typically known for his comedic chops. He very gamely throws himself into the role, which allows him to kick ass but also frequently requires that he doff all dignity and just let the humiliation wash over him. The main issue with the casting is that Sebastian is supposed to be Nobby’s younger brother – Strong is 52 and Baron Cohen is 44.

            This already looks like a vanity project, so it’s a good move on Baron Cohen’s part to not have his real-life wife Fisher portray his onscreen wife; Fisher instead plays the helpful MI6 analyst who updates Sebastian over his earpiece. Wilson audibly struggles with the accent, but then again Baron Cohen isn’t even aiming for the right accent, putting on a Yorkshire dialect instead of a North East Lincolnshire one. Cruz contributes a dash of class and Adkins busts a martial arts move or two as the lead henchman.

            The Brothers Grimsby goes for all-out shock value, but it trades in tropes seen in numerous comedies in which unlikely, under-qualified regular guys are suddenly thrust into duty as secret agents. It’s not as charming or even as funny as last year’s Spy, and it’s certainly a whole lot more self-indulgent. There are multiple times when the film disappears up its own ass, so to speak, getting too carried away with the filthy jokes. However, it clocks in at a very brisk 83 minutes and zips along with an irreverent energy that this reviewer found difficult to resist. If “Johnny English, but absolutely not for kids. At all” is what you’re after, The Brothers Grimsby does fit the bill.

Summary: Gloriously, unabashedly crass and gross, The Brothers Grimsby is sufficiently fast-paced and funny, with Mark Strong delivering one of his best performances yet.

RATING: 3.5 out of 5 Stars

Jedd Jong 

Ride Along 2

For F*** Magazine

RIDE ALONG 2

Director : Tim Story
Cast : Ice Cube, Kevin Hart, Olivia Munn, Ken Jeong, Benjamin Bratt, Tika Sumpter, Sherri Shepherd
Genre : Comedy/Action
Run Time : 102 mins
Opens : 25 February 2016
Rating : PG13 (Violence and Brief Coarse Language)

It’s time to hop back in that Dodge Charger R/T with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart, because crime officially has a new enemy: The Brothers-in-Law. It’s a week before the wedding between Ben Barber (Hart) and Angela Payton (Sumpter). When Angela’s brother James (Cube), an Atlanta police detective, travels to Miami to follow up on a lead, Ben convinces James to let him tag along, even though Ben is not up to the task. The duo team up with Miami homicide detective Maya Cruz (Munn) to track down A.J. (Jeong), a hacker who embezzled money from his former employer. Said former employer is Antonio Pope (Bratt), who appears to be a legitimate shipping tycoon and philanthropist but is secretly a treacherous, well-connected crime lord with the port commissioner in his pocket. James and Maya have to bring Antonio to justice while ensuring that Ben and A.J.’s tomfoolery doesn’t pull them down.

            While 2014’s Ride Along was generally dismissed by critics, it was a surprise box office hit and a sequel was to be expected, even if there wasn’t a particularly high demand for it. In addition to stars Cube and Hart, director Tim Story and screenwriters Phil Hay and Matt Manfredi are back for the follow-up. Ride Along 2 comes off as even more of a cut-rate Bad Boys than the first film. The action sequences are nominally more elaborate than before and stunt coordinator/second unit director Jack Gill of the last three Fast and Furious films stages competent if unmemorable pursuits and explosions. A scene in which Ben imagines he’s playing a Grand Theft Auto-style videogame to get through a car chase is a somewhat clever visual gag, if clumsily executed. In addition, Ben has a run-in with a downright embarrassing computer-generated alligator, which looks like it’s a second away from singing and dancing and teaching kids how to spell. The Miami setting means we get lingering shots of bikini-clad women in some attempt at PG-13-level titillation. It very much wants to be a Michael Bay film, but Ride Along 2 doesn’t have the budget for it.

            Hart may be extremely in demand as a comedic actor, but his shtick can be grating and the Ben Barber character is basically Scrappy-Doo, overeager and under-qualified. Hart is energetic and spontaneous but often obnoxious. He and Cube play off each other well enough, but it’s the tired “one’s silly, the other’s stoic” buddy cop routine without a new spin on the formula. Munn is the stock tough gal with little defining personality and since one shrill, diminutive comic apparently wasn’t enough, Jeong is on hand to shriek and squeal. Bratt’s Antonio Pope is as formulaic a villain as they come: the story’s set in Miami, so of course he’s a wealthy drug kingpin. He also possesses considerably less presence than Laurence Fishburne did as the big bad of the first Ride Along.

            If you enjoyed the first Ride Along movie, the sequel is more of the same with a touch more action. Neither Ben nor James have developed very much since the events of the first film and their dynamic remains essentially the same. It’s fitfully amusing but while this certainly isn’t the most unnecessary sequel out there, it still doesn’t justify its existence. It’s predictable, generic, feels like it was made on autopilot and is often quite irritating.

Summary: Delivering action and comedy that is equally uninspired, Ride Along 2 trundles along with a flat tire.

RATING: 2 out of 5 Stars

Jedd Jong 

Pixels

For F*** Magazine

PIXELS

Director : Chris Columbus
Cast : Adam Sandler, Michelle Monaghan, Josh Gad, Kevin James, Jane Krakowski, Peter Dinklage, Brian Cox, Ashley Benson, Sean Bean, James Preston Roger
Genre : Comedy/Sci-Fi
Run Time : 106 mins
Opens : 13 August 2015
Rating : PG

Beloved characters from days of gaming past are no longer confined to arcade cabinets, rampaging through the streets and tearing across the skies in this sci-fi action comedy. When aliens invade earth in the guise of classic arcade characters like Galaga and Pac-Man, President Will Cooper (James) calls upon his childhood best friend Sam Brenner (Sandler) to combat the threat. Brenner was once a Pac-Man champion, but was beaten at Donkey Kong by his rival Eddie Plant (Dinklage), who is provisionally released from prison to help fight the aliens. Rounding out the team is the mal-adjusted conspiracy theorist Ludlow Lamonsoff (Gad), who has an unhealthy obsession with buxom video game character Lady Lisa (Benson). They answer to Lieutenant Colonel Violet Van Patten (Monaghan), who has helped develop cutting-edge light ray guns to use against the invaders. Brenner and his team, branded “The Arcaders”, are all that stands in the way of the disintegration of the planet. 

Pixels is based on Patrick Jean’s 2010 short film that quickly became an internet sensation. It’s not the first good idea that has been completely mishandled by Adam Sandler and his Happy Madison production company, nor will it be the last. It’s an utter disappointment that Sandler got his hands on this – it may seem fashionable to hate on the actor/producer, but it’s completely understandable that many filmgoers are not swayed by his frat boy humour and his penchant for varying shades of prejudice in his movies. His lack of popularity is such that there have even been only semi-joking conspiracy theories that his films are elaborate money laundering schemes. Director Chris Columbus does not have a spotless track record, but having directed the first two Harry Potter and Home Alone movies, is more successful than Sandler oft-collaborators Dennis Dugan and Frank Coraci. This gave this reviewer a glimmer of hope that Pixels would end up better than other Sandler movies. This glimmer was quickly extinguished. 

This is especially a shame considering the technical polish with which Pixels is made. The visual effects work, supervised by Matthew Butler and produced by Denise Davis, is excellent and some of the imagery is eye-catching and inventive. A battle against the Centipede from the Atari game of the same name is an absolute blast and the film makes great use of stereoscopic effects, with visual gags like the game scores floating off the screen. The sequence in which our heroes hop into kitted-out Mini Coopers (with the license plates “Pinky”, “Inky”, “Blinky” and “Clyde”) to fight Pac-Man in a high-speed skirmish on the streets of New York is plenty of fun as well, even if it owes a huge debt to Ghostbusters. 

This might have worked with a different plot and different characters, because the characters are generally very unlikeable. Sandler stars as a ne’er-do-well home theatre system installer, his ego overwhelmingly apparent as he’s cast himself as the underdog who is “the only man for the job” and is eventually adored by the public as an international hero. Kevin James is the least believable movie president since Charlie Sheen in Machete Kills. Granted, it’s supposed to be a joke, but the casting of a credible actor as the President would have given the film at least some grounding, because if it’s all a joke, then the stakes are diminished. 

Josh Gad plays the stereotypical basement-dwelling, mouth-breathing nerd, who actually seems to have some very serious issues that we’re supposed to laugh at instead of be concerned about. It’s a shame that the character is as loathsome and unimaginative a caricature as he is, since Gad has displayed a fair amount of charm in other roles. Peter Dinklage is similarly wasted as the show-boating Eddie Plant, who was apparently modelled after real-life Pac-Man and Donkey Kong champion Billy Mitchell. Dinklage is clearly having a lot of fun in the role, but his character is so repulsive that’s it’s difficult to enjoy his performance. Part of Eddie’s terms in order to help the government fight the aliens is that he gets to have a threesome with two unlikely female celebrities, a joke which is followed up on instead of being treated as an absurd and offensive request. 

This brings us to the lead female character, Michelle Monaghan’s Lt. Col. Van Patten. We’re left picking at scraps, and at the very least, this reviewer is grateful that there’s a woman in a position of power in the film and Monaghan carries herself with as much dignity as she can. Of course, there’s an inane romantic subplot involving Van Patten and Brenner, complete with the “they start out hating each other!” romantic comedy arc. Ludlow’s slobbering obsession with the Red Sonja-esque Lady Lisa is nauseating, and one of the takeaways of the film is that women are trophies who can be won and owned. On top of that, there are multiple casual sexist remarks, such that the film’s atrocious attitude towards women is impossible to ignore. Not content with being flagrantly misogynistic, Pixels also tosses in a stereotypical portrayal of Pac-Man creator Toru Iwatani (Denis Akiyama) and a nigh-incomprehensible, buffoonish British Prime Minister (Penelope Wilton). A scene set in India takes place in front of the Taj Mahal, because how else are audiences supposed to recognise that it’s India otherwise? 

Pixels is Adam Sandler’s attempt to hop on the geek bandwagon in a bid to cash in on the retro nostalgia trend. The film bombed upon its opening in the U.S., another blow for Sony just as the studio has been reeling from a massive cyber-attack. This could have been excellent in the hands of someone with a genuine love for classic arcade games, a passion that was palpable in Wreck-It Ralph, which was fuelled with lots of heart and had jokes that were actually funny instead of offensive and cringe-worthy. Animated sci-fi comedy series Futurama also did the “aliens attack earth in the guise of video game characters” plot way back in 2002 – and, needless to say, far better. It’s truly a shame that all Pixels amounts to is Adam Sandler hurling barrels at the audience for two hours. 

Summary: Pixels has Adam Sandler’s grubby fingerprints all over it, smearing a fun premise and some engaging visuals with crass, tasteless jokes and unlikeable characters.

RATING: 1.5 out of 5 Stars 


Jedd Jong 

Iceman 3D (冰封: 重生之门)

For F*** Magazine

ICEMAN 3D (冰封: 重生之门)

Director: Law Wing Cheong
Cast:  Donnie Yen, Simon Yam, Eva Huang, Wang Baoqiang, Yu Kang, Hoi-Pang Lo, Mark Wu, Gregory Wong, Yang Jian-ping, Jacqueline Chong, Sukie Shek, Ava Liu
Genre: Action
Run Time: 105 mins
Opens: 17 April 2014
Rating: PG13 (Some Violence)

The 1989 film The Iceman Cometh gets thawed and re-heated with this goofy remake starring Donnie Yen. Yen plays He Ying, an Imperial Guard from the Ming Dynasty framed for treason, flash-frozen in an avalanche and re-awoken in 2013. He Ying wanders through modern-day Hong Kong, a world utterly alien to him. At a Halloween party, he meets May (Huang), who upon recovering from a drunken stupor offers him shelter and gradually begins to fall in love with the 400+ year old Imperial Guard. Meanwhile, Sao (Wang) and Niehu (Yu), blood brothers-turned enemies of He Ying who were frozen alongside him, have also been defrosted, proceeding to scour Hong Kong for He Ying. Police chief Yuanlong (Yam) is also hot on He Ying’s tail as a mysterious connection he shares with the Iceman comes to light.

Iceman has had a troubled production process, going over-budget and over-schedule and running into multiple issues with location shooting in Hong Kong. The resulting film was 3.5 hours long and has been split into two parts, with the sequel slated to arrive this October. This probably accounts for the inconclusive ending. Stuffed with over the top, juvenile gags, many bodily function-related, Iceman drowns itself in slapstick, making it difficult to enjoy as a fantasy action epic. After awaking from cryo-sleep, He Ying’s first action is pretty much unleashing a stream of turbo pee which splatters across the windshield of an arriving car. Even the Ghost Rider urinating fire was less of an indignity than this.



Yes, a movie about a Ming Dynasty guard getting unfrozen in 2013 isn’t going to be a beacon of logical storytelling, but Iceman strains the suspension of disbelief well past the breaking point. It’s remarkable how readily May and her pals accept the fact that He Ying is who he says he is, none of them particularly fazed or bewildered by the ancient palace guard just crashing at May’s place. May’s stereotypically camp friend is somehow able to show He Ying actual video of the very avalanche in which he was frozen, and it’s left completely unexplained as to where that footage comes from. Was there someone around filming it 400 years ago? This is but one of the many, many plot holes Iceman is riddled with. Its scattershot storytelling robs the narrative of any drive or stakes. There’s something involving a MacGuffin called the Golden Wheel of Time that is supposedly a time travel device, but there’s so much pratfall-heavy mucking about that the actual plot gets little attention. He Ying only actually meets Sao and Niehu in the present day at around the 50 minute mark.

Donnie Yen, we think you’re a great martial artist and we love seeing you kick ass onscreen, just please stop making such bad movies. Over the last year, the likes of Special I.D. and The Monkey King have been major embarrassments. To put it simply: Donnie Yen leaping through the air, striking an assailant as he lands = good. Donnie Yen drinking out of a toilet, remarking how the “well water is so salty and stinky” = bad. As the female lead, May’s purpose in the narrative is confusing. Huang Shengyi and Donnie Yen share little chemistry, and an inordinate amount of screen time is dedicated to the two characters “bonding” with little plot development actually taking place. There’s even a shamelessly mawkish subplot involving May’s mother, on the brink of being evicted from a nursing home. Wang Baoqiang, Yu Kang and Simon Yam make for forgettable antagonists when the plot thread that binds them and He Ying could have been the source of considerable dramatic tension.



The premise of Iceman has understandably been compared to that of a certain shield-packing Marvel superhero, but it’s really more like Demolition Man, only even sillier than that 1993 Stallone sci-fi flick. We saw the 2D version, but even then it’s easy to tell how utterly gimmicky the 3D version surely is – look out for pieces of curry chicken hurtling out from the screen! The climactic showdown set on the Tsing Ma Bridge is a halfway decent, if flashy and cheesy, action sequence, but it’s far from enough to make up for the preceding mess. There’s some pretty bad CGI, especially during a snowboarding sequence. Guys, xXx was 12 years ago. At the time of this writing, the sequel’s title translates to Iceman 2: Back to the Future. We’ll just roll our eyes now and get over with it.

SUMMARY: Heavy on sophomoric jokes and “stuff flying at the camera” gags but low on fantasy action spectacle and any storytelling coherence, we recommend tossing this Iceman back in deep freeze storage and throwing away the key.

RATING: 1.5 out of 5 Stars

Jedd Jong

From Vegas to Macau

For F*** Magazine

Director: Wong Jing
Cast: Chow Yun Fat, Nicholas Tse, Chapman To, Jing Tian, Gao Hu, Annie Wu, Michael Wong, Max Zhang, Philip Ng, Meng Yao
Genre: Comedy, Action
Run Time: 94 mins
Opens: 30 January 2014
Rating: PG13 (Some Coarse Language And Violence)

Chinese New Year has rolled around again, and “luck” and “prosperity” are the operating words, many taking the season to hit the tables. Writer-director Wong Jing re-teams with star Chow Yun Fat for From Vegas to Macau, a kinda-sorta fourth entry in the God of Gamblers film series. The title is a misnomer as there are no globe-trotting hijinks and none of the film is set in Vegas. It is mostly set in Macau so the title isn’t a total bamboozle. Still, our advice is to keep away from this gambling den and do something more worthwhile with your hongbao money.







Benz (Hui), his son Cool (Tse) and buffoonish nephew Karl (To) operate as self-proclaimed Robin Hoods of the Hong Kong underworld, tripping up and humiliating criminals. Benz receives a call from his old friend, master con artist and gifted gambler Master Ken (Chow), who has left behind his life of crime to become a security consultant for casinos in Vegas. Master Ken invites Benz, Cool and Karl to Macau, both Cool and Karl falling for his daughter Rainbow (Tong). In the meantime, Cool’s half-brother Lionel (Ng) and his police partner Luo Xin (Jing) are undercover, attempting to unravel a match-fixing conspiracy. The mastermind is Mr. Ko (Gao), the head of the D.O.A. foundation, which is really a front for a money-laundering syndicate. The police goes to Master Ken for help, and Mr. Ko puts out a hit on Ken, sending assassin Ghost Eyes (Zhang) after the gambler. Benz, Cool, Karl and Ken’s beloved daughter soon find themselves in danger too, Master Ken having to summon all his skills to defeat Mr. Ko.

“Now ev’ry gambler knows that the secret to survivin'/Is knowin' what to throw away and knowin’ what to keep,” so sang Kenny Rogers. There’s a lot in From Vegas to Macau that should have been thrown away, and wasn’t. This is a crime caper forcefully injected with an overdose of mo lei tau (nonsense talk); the humour broad, aggressive and mostly painfully unfunny. It’s a loud, brash assault on the senses, from the unnecessary stylistic flourishes to the cartoon sound effects to the gross-out sight gags. The film wants us to care about a treacherous criminal scheme and root for the protagonists to put an end to it, but the gags and pratfalls are so boorishly unsophisticated that they completely undermine any drama or tension and render the stakes null.



The “it’s a comedy! It’s supposed to be goofy!” defence will eventually pop up, so allow us to say this: the tone that would work best given the premise is something along the lines of the Ocean’s Eleven reboot series: sharp, wry, occasionally quite silly but never insultingly so. Here, Chapman To makes so many references to his genitals we probably could draw them, but would rather not. The D.O.A. assembly, with its national stereotypes, recalls the S.P.E.C.T.R.E. organization from the old Bond flicks and the distasteful handling of female characters is even more misogynistic here than in those films. There’s a racist jibe and a fat joke literally within two seconds of each other – it’s more casually offensive than it is intentionally un-PC, but in some ways, that makes the tone of the jokes worse.

There are some ideas and sequences which manage to be mildly amusing or fairly thrilling. Philip Ng, a skilled martial artist, has a fight scene in the D.O.A. offices which ends with him bailing out by way of BASE jump. However, most of the stuff is derivative – the “bungee ballet” performed in the mansion hall by Kimmy Tong is lifted directly from Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. Said mansion is also bizarrely booby-trapped: motorised suits of armour function as a home security system and full-sized antique cannons magically pop out of the floor. It’s something you’d expect to find in a Scooby Doo cartoon. And yes, there are the showy displays of card-shuffling skill, where it’s constantly and painfully obvious that those are computer-generated clubs, spades, diamonds and hearts.



Chow Yun Fat is likeable, charismatic and charming rather than brooding and badass, and there’s nothing wrong with that. He’s forced to make a fool of himself, engaging in not one but two cringe worthy musical numbers, but the guy is cool no matter what and at least he looks like he’s having fun. His Master Ken character is given such ludicrous abilities that it seems more like sorcery than sleight of hand. He can perfectly duplicate the sound of gunfire with nothing but his voice and there’s a scene in which he magically extracts truth serum from a glass of wine, as if it was some kind of spell. Nicholas Tse is a serviceable straight man, mercifully spared from having to ham it up alongside his cast-mates.

Watch this movie and you’ll find that Chapman To’s Karl will become the annoying comic relief sidekick you think of whenever the phrase “annoying comic relief sidekick” is uttered. He provides little comedy and zero relief and his grating tomfoolery is so pervasive it gives Jar Jar Binks and Ruby Rhod a run for their money. Yes, we went there. Jing Tian has become a hot property in the Hong Kong and China film industry and while it looks like her character is a capable policewoman, it’s not long before she’s compromised by truth serum and ends up thoroughly embarrassing herself in front of Ken. Kimmy Tong’s turn as flighty heiress Rainbow is pretty inconsequential; she’s depicted being able to fend for herself but is promptly put in jeopardy during the climax. At least Max Zhang’s pretty cool as the deadly killer henchman.



Wong Jing has been very open about his contempt for critics, and the self-referential, self-aggrandizing “meta” jokes in From Vegas to Macau will not help his case. Apropos of nothing, Karl exclaims “I love Wong Jing!” and the director ends up being integral to pulling off the final gambit. For something clearly intended as a crowd-pleasing Chinese New Year blockbuster, this reviewer found From Vegas to Macau alienating and annoying, too aimlessly madcap to entertain. Stick around during the end credits for a stinger scene, featuring a cameo that…huh? How does that even work?!

Summary: For the love of the god of gamblers, please go blow on somebody else’s dice. From Vegas to Macau to the rubbish heap.

Rating: 1.5 out of 5 Stars

Jedd Jong

2 Guns

For F*** Magazine

2 GUNS

Director: Baltasar Kormákur
Cast: Denzel Washington, Mark Wahlberg, Paula Patton, Bill Paxton, James Marsden, Fred Ward, Edward James Olmos
Genre: Action
Run Time: 109 mins

Everybody loves a buddy cop movie. We get a kick out of seeing two different people flung into a sticky situation, typically involving blazing firearms, working out their differences to arrive at an uneasy partnership. Sometimes they’re serious, like with Training Day or Se7en. Oftentimes they’re more lighthearted, like with the Bad Boys, Rush Hour and Men in Black films. The late film critic Roger Ebert dubbed this type of film “wunza movies”, a play on the phrase “one’s a…” that might be present in the trailer voiceover. 2 Guns is the latest entry in this subgenre, based on a graphic novel by Steven Grant.

One’s an undercover DEA agent (Denzel Washington’s Bobby) and one’s an undercover Naval Intelligence Officer (Mark Wahlberg’s Stig). Both are posing as criminals, dealing with infamous drug lord Papi Greco (Olmos). The catch is neither is initially aware that the other is actually also one of the good guys. As is often the case in films of this variety, Bobby and Stig find themselves in way over their respective heads, with no choice but to trust each other as they get embroiled in an increasingly messy web of triple-crosses and dirty deals. Their foes and allies, including Bobby’s DEA colleague and sometime-lover Deb (Patton), Stig’s commanding Officer Quince (Marsden) and the sinister, shady operative Earl (Paxton) all have their part to play in what initially seems like a straightforward drug money heist but ends up as a whole lot more.



The first reaction one might have upon hearing the summary “a buddy cop movie starring Denzel Washington and Mark Wahlberg” is “wow, that sounds like it’ll work”. The pairing of its leads is indeed the best thing 2 Guns has going for it. Washington has plenty of experience playing a cop/agent and is still a sexy stone-cold fox at 58. Mark Wahlberg, whose last brush with the buddy cop subgenre was taking the mickey out of it in the raucous The Other Guys, is pretty funny here too. It seems his true calling is comedy rather than action; he’s probably happy to get the best of both worlds with this film.

Unfortunately, there isn’t a whole lot to recommend past the Double W double act. 2 Guns feels a lot like something Shane Black might have written and possibly directed, except that it might have been lighter on its feet had that been the case. The film suffers from noticeable pacing issues, never quite getting into a proper rhythm and feeling longer than its 109 minutes. The plot does get pretty hard to follow, which isn’t something you want in your fun, late-summer action flick. 2 Guns reunites Wahlberg with his Contraband director Baltasar Kormákur, the resulting film somewhat reminiscent of The Losers, which was set in similarly dusty locales.



Bobby and Stig go up against three main antagonists: James Marsden’s Commander Quince, Bill Paxton’s Earl and Edward James Olmos’ Papi Greco. All three clearly enjoy chewing their share of the scenery and it is fun to see the clean-cut Marsden play against type as someone who clearly isn’t the “nice guy” he’s often cast as. Of the three, Paxton manages to be the most genuinely menacing as the government-linked agent with a southern drawl and a penchant for dealing out torture. Edward James Olmos’ Papi Greco is pretty much the stereotypical Mexican drug lord – oh, he uses a jumpy, angry bull as an interrogation implement. That’s pretty mean. Paula Patton is decent as the requisite girl and provider of eye candy, though we certainly would’ve preferred seeing her in the thick of the action in a role more like the one she played in Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol.

It seems the film would have benefitted from more of a focus. The crisscrossing plot threads don’t make the film complex, they make it unnecessarily confusing. This isn’t an action flick with an explosion going off every other minute, but the central set piece involving Bobby and Stig charging into the Corpus Christi Naval Air Station is executed pretty well, as is the finale set on a cattle ranch, which makes use of an ill-fated helicopter. Studios have generally shied away from the R-rated actioners that were all the rage in the 80s and 90s in favour of teen-friendly stuff, and in the end 2 Guns is as adequate a source as any if you need that fix.

SUMMARY: It’s not paced very well and suffers from a case of “plot pretzel”, but 2 Guns scores a casting coup in teaming up Denzel Washington and Mark Wahlberg.

RATING: 3 out of 5 Stars

Jedd Jong

R.I.P.D.

For F*** Magazine

R.I.P.D.

Director: Robert Schwentke
Cast:  Ryan Reynolds, Jeff Bridges, Kevin Bacon, Mary-Louise Parker, James Hong, Marisa Miller
Genre: Action, Fantasy
Run Time: 96 mins
Opens: 8 August 2013
Rating: PG13 (Some Coarse Language And Violence)

Danny Boyle’s A Life Less Ordinary featured angels in the form of heavenly policemen assigned to help the inhabitants of our earthly plane find love. In this film, based on Peter Lenkov’s graphic novel Rest In Peace Department, “heavenly policemen” are supernatural S.W.A.T officers instead of cupids – their job is dealing with defiant souls who escape judgment to continue walking the earth, up to no good.

Our protagonist, Ryan Reynolds’ Boston police officer Nick Walker, dies. This is not a spoiler; it’s what sets things in motion. Walker is offered a position in the department of the title by the no-nonsense Proctor (Parker), which he accepts in the hope of being reunited with his bereaved wife Julia (Stephanie Szostak). He’s teamed up with Roy Pulsipher (Bridges), a surly older gentleman and R.I.P.D. veteran. Make that much older – dude used to be a U.S. Marshal in the Old West. Together, they have to bring down crooked cop Bobby Hayes (Bacon), Nick’s former partner. They’ve also got to thwart a plot to open up a portal that will unleash hordes of souls on the earth, bringing about the end of the world.



Anyone who’s heard of this film probably could’ve smelled the familiar waft of pure formula from a mile away. One look at the poster and the trailer might have one overcome with a sense of déjà vu – which is justified because everything this movie does has been done to, well, death. Comparisons have been made ad nauseum to those mysterious government agents in the black tuxedoes and the firehouse-dwelling, Ecto-1-driving spirit exterminators, so there’s no need to belabour the point. It has also been pointed out that the premise seems very reminiscent of the cult TV show Good vs. Evil, in which a secret agency operating out of heaven battles demons from hell, right down to the agents appearing differently to others.

That brings us to probably the most entertaining aspect of the film: when operating on earth as R.I.P.D. agents, Nick takes on the appearance of an elderly Chinese man named Jerry Chen (Hong), while Roy is in the guise of the glamourous and buxom Opal Pavlenko (Miller). These avatars were obviously meant as an exercise in contrast, Hong and Miller hilariously mismatched, and the resulting sight gags do manage to be amusing.



Ryan Reynolds can’t quite seem to catch a break, pigeon-holed as a comic actor who has unsuccessfully tried to become a mainstream movie star. He’s okay as the protagonist thrust into a world he was hitherto oblivious to, but can’t quite do anything special with the material. Jeff Bridges gleefully chews the scenery with his over-the-top cowboy drawl and anachronistic slang and hamming it up is better than phoning it in, but even then he can’t save this, despite his resemblance to Roy in the comics. Unfortunately, the two don’t quite generate adequate chemistry to keep the movie running on anything more than fumes.

The trailers don’t showcase Kevin Bacon, who plays the main antagonist, but even in something as middling as this, he’s relatively entertaining. Bobby isn’t a particularly scary villain and this isn’t the best use of his talent by far but, like Bridges, he does what he can. It’s just that his smarmy, insidious dirty cop doesn’t seem like the kind of force of evil who would figure in a larger than life supernatural action-comedy romp. Mary-Louise Parker’s comically po-faced boss lady is also an often-seen stock character, and she is better playing characters like the peppy girlfriend in the RED movies.

Speaking of RED, the director of the first film, Robert Schwentke, is in charge. He made RED a surprisingly entertaining, warm and action-packed film but cannot bring the same magic to R.I.P.D., in spite of a few relatively enjoyable action sequences and a decent climactic shootout/melee. A movie that sounds this much fun on paper shouldn’t be such a drag. There’s also an attempt to insert some pathos in the form of Nick trying to reach out to his wife from beyond the grave that while not quite jarring, doesn’t fit in tonally with the rest of the movie.

R.I.P.D. also puts on show some very unpolished visual effects work, the various ghoulish “deados” on the loose are not convincing in the least. The designs of said deados aren’t very imaginative and neither is the way they attack our heroes, all of them pretty much oversized brawlers. Some of the environmental effects, such as a house split in two by “soul stank” and a collapsing parking garage are executed slightly better. One of the visuals that does work though is the mix of resurrected lawmen from various points in history all working in the same office at R.I.P.D. headquarters.

This is a film that has flopped hard at the U.S. box office and it isn’t hard to see why – this isn’t so much “bad” as it is “blah”. It’s a buddy cop action comedy in a supernatural setting, and registers as a damp squib in all of those categories. This is one of those films that arrives in theatres ready-packed into a pine box.

Summary: More films like these and Ryan Reynolds’ career might as well enlist in the Rest in Peace Department.

RATING: 2 out of 5 STARS

Jedd Jong

CZ12 Chinese Zodiac

For F*** Magazine, Singapore

CHINESE ZODIAC (CZ12)

Director:	Jackie Chan
Cast:	Jackie Chan, Zhang Lanxin, Yao Xingtong, Laura Weissbecker, Kwone Sang-Woo, Oliver Platt
Genre:	Action, Comedy
Run Time:	123 mins
Opens:	20 December
Rating:	PG – Some Violence

It’s the holiday season and the 12 days of Christmas are upon us, but Jackie Chan hopes to turn moviegoers’ eyes eastward to a different “12” – the 12 animals of the Chinese Zodiac. In this film, the third installment of Chan’s Armour of God series (though it isn’t marketed as such), he returns as mercenary and master thief JC.

The “Chinese Zodiac” (aka CZ12) of the title refers to 12 bronze animal heads, one of each animal, that were stolen when Anglo-French armies looted the Summer Palace in 1860. Six of them are missing, and JC has been hired to track them down and find them by the father-and-son-duo of Lawrence (Platt) and Michael (Vincent Sze) (adopted, perhaps?), who run the shady Max Profits Corporation. This quest brings JC and his crew – Simon (Kwone), Bonnie (Zhang) and David (Liao Fan) from the chateaux and vineyards of France to an island in the South Seas and beyond, as they meet a French heiress (Weissbecker), a Chinese archaeology student (Yao), and a ruthless rival mercenary named The Vulture (Alaa Safi). That, and the expected smorgasbord of action set pieces, which include outrunning Rottweillers in a garden maze, and a skydiving skirmish high above an active volcano.

Chinese Zodiac has been touted as possibly Jackie Chan’s last big headlining action film and a return to the Jackie Chan action-comedy of old. In that respect, it delivers, because this is classic, typical Jackie Chan. It really is reminiscent of the films earlier in his career, and since it’s been 21 years since Armour of God II: Operation Condor, it does tickle the nostalgia bone. The action sequences in this film are uniformly entertaining and while it seems Chan has learnt a fair bit from working on big Hollywood films, he hasn’t lost that essence entirely, so we have a romp that’s slicker and a fair bit more polished than his earlier efforts, yet still unmistakably Jackie Chan.

However, that’s not entirely a good thing. The story isn’t the most original, with shades of the Jackie Chan animated series amongst others, there are the usual plot contrivances (do random French heiresses really just invite you home to check out their antique collection?), and Chan’s penchant for slapstick is on full, brash display. While humour is a part of his brand of cinematic action, there’s a difference between being lighthearted and witty and being just plain silly; this is a line that Chinese Zodiac crosses all too often. Many of us haven’t completely outgrown Jackie Chan flicks, but we’ve definitely grown up, and this reviewer isn’t sure if the same can be said of the director/star as some of the antics showcased are rather juvenile. The most egregious example is an odd Pirates of the Caribbean pastiche that comes completely out of left field, when JC and his party are exploring a long-lost island and get ambushed by a multi-national band of pirates, including one made up to look like Jack Sparrow. Then there’s an attack by a hive of bees, complete with the pirates sporting cartoony swollen lesions. It’s scenes like that one that threaten to completely derail whatever little story the film had to begin with, and are frankly unnecessary.

The film has JC working with a team this time around, Mission: Impossible style, but let’s face it, this doesn’t make it any less of a Jackie Chan ego trip. There’s a supposedly lofty message of the preservation of cultural heritage by having all artifacts and national treasures returned to their countries of origin, and Chan includes a slightly obnoxious voiceover over the end credits, but at least his onscreen persona of the mercenary with a heart of gold is likeable as always.

However, what Jackie Chan excels in are undoubtedly cool stunts, and there’s no denying that there’s imagination on display in how said stunts are staged and shot, more than in your average Hollywood actioner, and that the 58-year-old multi-hyphenate is still spry and energetic. Chan one-ups the zorbing scene from Armour of God II in the “unique modes of transportation” department with the “Buggy Rollin Suit”, invented by French extreme sportsman and designer Jean Yves “Rollerman” Blondeau. It’s an exciting opening chase that wouldn’t be out of place in a more upbeat Bond movie, and is very tactile and physical. The major hand-to-hand combat sequence between JC and Alaa Safi’s Vulture (a cool character who’s a little underutilized) is exactly the kind of scene Jackie Chan fans would relish. And yes, while the climactic skydiving sequence was accomplished mostly with blue screen photography, it’s still pretty edge-of-your-seat stuff.

It’s good to see Jackie Chan back in his element in an archetypical “Jackie Chan movie”, warts and all, but this definitely is a movie where the enjoyment is contingent on how forgiving of its star one is willing to be. Good thing then, that the star is Jackie Chan.

SUMMARY: If you’re a Jackie Chan fan, you just might be able to overlook the wanton silliness and enjoy Jackie Chan’s signature stunts and action feats.

RATING: 3 out of 5 STARS

Jedd Jong